The Most Depressing Blog in the ENTIRE World!!!

So I think I have come to the realization that nothing is ever going to get any better. My life is never going to be "in the black" at any point. I will always owe more than I can pay on every single bill I have. There is no way I will ever own a home. There is no way I will ever pay off my car. There is no

way I will ever have any of the things that my family deserves or even needs. I have tried to look at the positive things in my life.

I have two wonderful kids. I almost killed the oldest one today because I was having yet another mental breakdown (they are at almost regular intervals lately) and asked him to take his brother outside. When I went out to check on them they were gone. I mean I couldn't find them ANYWHERE. Silly me, I expected things to be like they were supposed to be. Rules for going out with Bear much less on his own include NOT GOING INTO ANYONE ELSE'S HOME WITHOUT MOM KNOWING WHERE YOU ARE. Why would Xander NOT follow this rule. Especially since he has been in constant trouble for the last two weeks?!? OH that's right because NOTHING in my life is going to go right!! I panicked. OF COURSE. I convinced myself that I could find them walking crazily around and around the complex. Once I was REALLY freaked out I figured I would go knock on Xander's friends door and ask if they had seen them. OF COURSE he was there, INSIDE, with his brother. I can't even express how pissed I am. I have gone over and over with him how this works. I have grounded, I have limited his life to the point he can't do anything without me instigating it, and STILL he doesn't get this. Without doing REAL violence I have no idea how to get through his thick skull how this is not something to take lightly.

And this is my SMALL problem. When everything is going wrong, these small things smash you like a ton of brick swung willy nilly by the invisible giant of doom. And all anyone wants to do is point out where things can be fixed and how to look up and be positive and thankful. I am not really trying to not be thankful. I am really not trying to control everything. After losing my job, and then my relationship falling apart, I feel like everything in my life is being methodically RIPPED out of my hands and in the span of 3 months what was something I had a very long dark tunnel to go through but would be able to overcome, has now presented itself in it's true form. An insurmountable mountain. What do you do when you KNOW there is nothing you can do? I am praying. I am hoping that at some point the bottom will stop dropping out. I am trying to not look around at everyone else, and seeing that even though they are in a tough place, that mine is even worse and getting worse by the second.

I am trying to NOT tell other people how bad it is, because then they want to help, but really there isn't anything they can do. I don't want other people to take care of my bills. I don't want to ask anyone for money to help until I can get back on my feet. I HAVE to accept what I have so far. I will never be able to pay ANY of it back. EVER. That is almost worse than being in debt in the first place. People do a lot of talking about what you are saving for, and what you are doing for your kids. I am basically not doing anything but digging a deeper hole.

My kids are basically shit out of luck. Wow, what a great mom I am.

Everyone says I am doing all that I can and that's enough. But really it's not. I know that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, and all that, but really how much more until I lose my kids? I already can't pay rent, that's why I am still here with Kevin. I can't pay for my car. That will be gone in a few months I am sure. I can't pay my credit card bill...that for sure isn't going to go away or get any better. I don't pay utilities cause Kevin is taking care of that right now too. But as last night proved, we can't keep living like this, or its going to be nothing but fighting and all that crap. Yet what else can I do. I am applying to HUD and may get income based housing. So then based on my income I "should" be able to at least pay rent and utilities. Food stamps hopefully will cover the bulk of my groceries. And then I will just have to try and not have any more hospital, doctor, or any other kind of bill outside of that. That should be impossible. Really what to do? I know keep your head up, something will get better. Hard to do when you are rolling downhill like a snowball headed for hell. Ok, at least I have cute pictures of my baby to keep this from being wrist slitting inducing depressing right?

Title: It's Complicated

I swear the theme of my life has always been it's complicated! And it just keeps getting more and more complicated too! Here I sit getting ready for my new job (yay me) I have worked one week already but that was all orientation type stuff. I am not part of the corporate machine! I work at Wal*Mart! As much as I dreaded working in retail, simply because a background of working 911 for many years does not lend you to thinking about working with people much, I have to say that so far I LOVE IT! Which is wonderful because the things that make me happy are getting fewer and fewer.

My relationship with Kevin is over. I ended it, he hopes to win me back, and maybe sometime in the future that may be possible. God knows everyone is giving me the forgiveness lecture! But I really need to move me and the kids into another place. That is my current complication! I can't seem to find anything available for low income housing. As much as I would love to say I can live without government assistance it just isn't possible. A child support check every two months and no other help from the oldest's father...well that leaves me having to support us completely and I can't say I can do that very well. I guess at some point I will just give up my car. That will completely ruin my credit, no wait that is already ruined. And then I will be trying to figure out what to do for transportation. Oh and I still haven't found anywhere to live yet. Just the other day I found out that Kevin isn't going to stay here much longer, meaning the apartment we are living in together,nso that means either I pull the money tree out of the recesses of my nether regions or I start selling myself for rent money. Hmm, Money tree sounds much more promising. So basically I can't afford regular rent. I can't find income based housing, and I need to figure it all out in oh a month?!?

I hate that it all seems like whining lately but I never wanted to be single again. I never wanted to be in a place where I couldn't afford to support my kids. I feel like a total drain on my friends and family. But I look at my kids and no matter how annoying they are (and believe me they rival the best!) I love them more than my own life. I will do anything it takes to make sure that I have them with me and provide everything they need. (Notice need, not want!) So, in short, life sucks and I really wish wishes worked. Since they don't, I am praying God provides. (Since obviously I can only do so much!)

Park Pride, Mountain Home, Arkansas

We went to Park Pride, as a family, to try some normal with all the upheaval, still not certain what is going to happen in our personal lives, but we are going to try and keep it from affecting the kids! So, there was a Fire Truck (Pictures to follow) and a petting zoo type thing. Check out our pics!

Born to be BLUE?!?!

A few weeks ago the most wonderful thing happened to me. I was proposed to! It wasn't the most romantic move in the world. I was lying in bed fighting an on going battle with the worlds longest migraine when Kevin crawled into the bed next to me, I forced my light sensitive eyes open, and whispered as loud as my head would allow me something like:

"What?"

He had just returned from Walmart where he had gone to purchase a bike for Xander's birthday present, with Xander there to pick it out, and Bear in tow just because I was dying from said migraine. He mentions they picked up something for me also. Hands me a box. I open it and discover a ring set. He mentions something about them not being sized yet, and I put the engagement ring on and it fits, though a little loose. I mention the rings he was going by for my size are all too big for me now since I have lost about 30 lbs recently. He then mentions I have not said yes, and I point out I am wearing the ring.

We are happy.

Funny thing about me being happy. I don't know if it is set in stone somewhere on a mythical and yet touches my life and therefor not completely fantasy realm mountain that Karla can NOT be happy. Happiness escapes me. Not immediatly but completely. Missery seems to be a boon companion of mine. How can this be with the wonderful events

I have just described? Well, I don't want to go into details. Simply because I can't seem to get the details out of my mind. Every second of my day is spent trying to aviod thinking about said details. Simply put. I was warned, via dreams and readings in my cards, which I thought was just me letting my past affect the now. I was wrong. It really is a recurring pattern you see. I get to a happy, ready to settle down and give my kids a family and all that happy bull shit, and BOOM!

Happy 35th Birthday Karla. You have a wonderful party in which lots of people come to celebrate with you. You worry before the party starts that maybe you won't get to fully enjoy yourself because maybe your significant other will drink more and cause some sort of something to disrupt the balance. You shrug it off, because he has never done that before why would you even worry about it! Why would that even be a concern. And yet. By the end of the party. By the time we are cleaning up the mess. Irrevocable harm HAS been done. Is it all because of the alcohol? I couldn't say. All I know is that now I have seen a side of the man I love that causes me to see him as a man I cannot love.

He has appologized. Swore it would never happen again. Explained his part in things. Doesn't want to lose me and the kids. I don't know if this makes a difference. I don't know if I can look past what I saw in him.

I spend each day with my heart trying to tear out of my chest. Tears fighting to spill down my cheeks. I have never in my life felt so much anger, mixed with sadness, mixed with pain, mixed with sickness. How did I let myself and my boys get to this place? How did I trust AGAIN to get to this place AGAIN?

Can I get over this?

Still Searching

I am still searching, searching for ideas, searching for inspiration, searching for something to just HIT me. And yes I am trying to figure out what the heck to do with ME. I am in the midst of looking for employment, and it is a dreary world out there and I would like to find something with a little light at

least at the end of the tunnel. I have sent out many applications and resumes into the vast expanse of cyber space, and heard the dull echo of nothingness which has become a regular sound, around the squeals and screeches of my VERY vocal 16 month old. I am beginning to consider some "alternate" ideas but I have to say I am really not a salesperson, though I would give it 100% if I tried, I just can't seem to bring myself to do many of the many "work at home" or such jobs.

I need more training in something, or I need a craft of some kind. I feel like someone with no skills even though I know I possess many, I feel bereft of them at times like these. Also there is a distinct loneliness that comes with being unemployed. Add to that the children and lack of income to pay for a sitter so I can job search and that makes me even less socialized. I am pushing outward though, not drawing inward!

I have gone out to meet the frey, I have gone to visit family, stopped by friends, made a general nuisance of myself and my children. Because staying in this house all day long is not healthy for any of us. Now I must go rescue my starving child from his highchair as he has decided the breakfast I have prepared him does not meet his tiny taste buds specifications, yes it is almost noon and he is just now eating breakfast, he doesn't eat right away when he wakes and refuses to slow down enough til a few hours later, and he is a late sleeper lately.

10am this morning. I should just be happy to get sleep!! Ok, I am off!

And I had a bad day....

Very rough one, got off work at 6 am, picked up Bear, came home and he was just not feeling quite right. So we just hung out, me, Bear, and Xander while Bear was kind of a terror watching a movie when my phone rang at 8am. It was my boss asking me to come in at 10am. So I took the boys up to my mom's house because Kev was sleeping and has park patrol tonight, and went in, and I got terminated. Just a little piece of paper saying I was not longer employed there and "Refer to Baxter County Personnel Policy Section 9E.4 if you wish to request a grievance hearing." So I know that because I live in an "at will" state they don't "have" to give me a reason they let me go I still asked. They weren't saying. Just that I had the right to the grievance hearing. Now I have read about this grievance hearing and I don't really know that I WANT one, just because it almost sounds like you have one to get your job back. I really don't know that I want to try and get back a job they just fired me from. BUT I DO what to know WHY. I just don't really understand why I don't get to know. I mean if I really screwed up then tell me. If I wore the wrong color shoes in, tell me. I understand that I could be let go for some pretty silly reasons with this "at will" thing but MY worry is that perspective employers will call them and they will share their reasons with them and I won't know about it and those perspective employers will not hire me for reasons I don't know. Does that make any sense to anyone but me?!? I have a friend who worked with me in another job. She was let go. Given the option to quit before she was fired I believe, it has been so long ago I am not even sure maybe she just put in her 2 weeks and that was it, anyway it was all health related and they were really stubborn about not working with her on her issues which was really silly because she was REALLY REALLY good at her job!! ANYWAY she found out later she was having trouble getting hired because that employer was simply telling perspective employers that if they were given the opportunity to hire her again they would not. No explanation about the health issue making it impossible for her to work within their arbitrary rules. Just NO. I found THAT very harsh. So THIS is just really hard. I have to say in comparison to other times I have been terminated, I can remember 3 of them, yup Stellar I know, this has to be the hardest to come to terms with because I don't know WHY, but the easiest because I just simply was "sensing" something coming for a while. Not so much that I thought I was going to get fired. No that was a pretty big shocker, but I knew change was coming and I had been having some weird stay at home mom dreams, and weird work scheme dreams and as much as I don't lend a lot to dream/prophecy I think this time around I was prepared a bit. Now if only I wasn't so hung up on this stupid WHY! Of course I am freaking out about getting my Resume updated and looking "right", filing for (and I fear being denied for) unemployment and assistance, like ARkids for my children to have health insurance because OF COURSE today Bear has a 103 degree fever. Yes God I am listening, I just don't obviously know what you are trying to tell me. Is there an interpreter in the house???? Oh yeah and I couldn't bring myself to put pictures on this entry. Nothing seemed to really work. (Oooo that was a BAD joke)

Look I remembered the ART!! Bear the new Monet! Or whatever...I don't really know my art that well...

Here are Barrett's Master Pieces!! Enjoy! We do!