Can I Change the Title to BITCH instead of BLOG?

So I know all I ever do is bring you down lately. I am just so down I can't seem to come up for air anymore. I would like to say things are looking up but whenever I think that, fate takes the wheel and down I go again. So...searching for some good news here. I have some GREAT online friends who I wish lived A LOT closer to me so I could talk to them in person. I wish I had more people like that here. On Friday I got a letter in the mail telling me that my application for food stamps was denied cause I make too much money...funny I thought a part time job and every other month child support checks didn't really push me over the limit...and then Tuesday Night I get a letter in the mail saying I was approved for food stamps and will have to report any change of income over $1,900...OK that's a lot different than my first letter...hmmmm. So today I checked the balance on my handy dandy EBT card and dog-gone-it if I don't have money for food on there! Yay! So today me and Mr. Bear went to good ole Walmart and picked up a bunch of food. I even cooked supper! Go me! In doing so I noticed EVERYTHING is jacked up in the kitchen cupboards. That is when it hits me, I have been so "in my own world" for the last couple months, and not taking care of anything really well, that I have not noticed that NO ONE in this apartment knows where shit goes and just places it willy-nilly wherever they think it can fit. So, i didn't get the dishes washed, but the cupboards are back in order. Now if only I could find a place to move into that I could possibly afford then I could KEEP them the way I want them. I guess right now I am waiting on HUD but I guess tomorrow I should start making some calls again to see if any of the Low Income Based housing places have had any openings come up. Ummm...other than that I have just stuff to bitch about...

So, I was mildly irritated to wake up this morning as I did not get as much sleep as one would guess I would on my night off. Bear woke up a lot, I stayed up late chatting, and the stupid cat wouldn't stay the hell off of me. I couldn't close the bedroom door cause it was like a freaking OVEN in there when I took Bear in to lay down thus the continued wake ups from the pussy. Then I get up and make me and Bear pancakes...we had barely enough mix to make one pancake, so I pulled out the biscuit mix and added it in with the mixins needed to make pancakes with it....then i added too much milk apparently. So then i mixed in some homemade batter to beef it up a bit...and then I tasted the first pancake. One of the mixes had gotten a very nasty stale taste to it, making my yummy I was craving so much pancakes taste just this side of assy. So, I added in some raspberries. To the batter and on top

while eating them. Now they were good, but not as good as they could be because of the hint of stale mix in there. Next time they will rock however I am sure! Then I had to get me and Bear around to do the aforementioned grocery shopping. That we accomplished rather well for the store packed with old people who only walk at a snails pace and have to stop in every single eisle and get in my way. Bear of course did NOT want to be in the cart and I kept him as happy as I could. Needless to say we made A LOT of noise. Mommy wanted to SCREAM too!! We made it home and Bear was out like a light. I wanted to be too, but it was almost 1pm by then...holy crap about 2 hours in the store?!? Yeah those people WERE walking SLOW! I had to put away all the groceries and get the soup i was making into the slow cooker so it would be ready by 5pm. I got all that done and my body said, Girl you need to eat something.

So I heated up some dip and pulled out some tortilla chips and started to eat. Now when I got home I toyed with the idea of waking Kevin up but he normally gets up around 1pm anyway, so I figured he would be up soon. So around 2:30 I finished all my crap and was eating my chips when he finally gets up. And then he can't figure out why I am irritable. Do I need to explain this to anyone else?!? Now I know he is under no obligation to help me or the kids. We are just living together right now...but OMG I am PISSED. Mostly because I know tomorrow I am going to get JACK ALL for sleep cause he is going out with friends tonight which means he ain't getting up no earlier tomorrow. UGH. So then I go lay down around 3pm. Can't sleep cause i am irritated but eventually drift off to dream land. Only to be awakened by voices outside my window.

I figure they will go away soon, no one really hangs out outside the apartment talking that long right?!? WRONG! It was Kevin and his friends. Why would I imagine that he would say, oh Karla is sleeping maybe we could go into the living room since the open window is right here? Why would I even expect that he would do more than say "Sorry we were trying to be quiet" when he was obviously practically running out the door to leave once I woke up. No need to offer to keep it down so I could get more sleep. No, really I don't need it. Seriously get me off this roller coaster ride before I stab someone in the EYE! It goes back and forth between let me help you, to why are you so crabby. No i don't have any fucking reason to be bitchy recently. And he thinks everything is getting better and we will be all hunkie dorie very soon. Yup, this did not help, and we weren't that close to begin with. Give an inch they take a fucking mile for granted. I give up. Seriously.

Cranky Baby, just plain cranky...

So I know all my drama and emotional stuff is bound to rub off on my little Bear, but today has been just CRAZY! He is just whining and crying about everything. From eating, to taking a nap, to his brother going into the bathroom and shutting the door. Top that off with the fact I am suddenly EVIL in his eyes and he pulls away from me, and throws himself around violently in my arms, with such disdain HE MUST blame me for the balance being upset. Either that or this mystery rash he has combined with the heat in our apartment (we shut down the A/C a few weeks ago) and those two last incisors coming in to make my life of turmoil even more tumultuous. Quite

possibly he is also over tired. So, about the rash...it's strange, very "bumpy" kind of like acne, but hard points I guess. We unfortunately have not heard back about ARKids so I don't have insurance for the doctor and no money so...we hope to hear back on Tuesday about that so I can take him in and get it checked out if it is still there.

Also need to get him his 18 month appointment/checkup. All of this adds into my "just wanna puke" jet setting (in a jet crashing in a fiery ball) life today. Another thing that is occupying my thoughts...I want to be closer to my close friends. The ones who ROCK my world daily with support, phone calls, Facebook status comments and personal emails! They live so far away. Many in different places all over the US. But there is that one special state. The one that has been calling my name. North Dakota. I thought I had moved away and was free. I am not. Why? Because of all the AWESOME

people who live there! Their love, kindness, and just flat out stick-to-it-ness in friendship, amazes me! I can't express how much they all mean to me! So, thanks to them I am thinking that I may have to take my dear sweet friend Heather's offer to help me and the kids relocate up there yet again.This is spurred on by my total lack of friends of the same caliber here. Negative side, leaving mom and the two people who

really do care. Well, what is best is best right? So, do I do it? Jump? Run? Is it good for me and the boys? I can't tell you. I just know that today, right now,

I want to.

Editing old posts....

So since I have been so horribly depressing lately I was spurred to go back and edit old posts I had not published. February 20th back in the "archives" I guess, is a new post from back then that was never published because for some reason I couldn't get the video to work, I got it today, and published it...not sure if there will be more, but I will add them on here, if anyone wants to go back and look at them. (Really you don't have to waste your time, especially if you wasted it already reading my poor me depressing posts.)

The Most Depressing Blog in the ENTIRE World!!!

So I think I have come to the realization that nothing is ever going to get any better. My life is never going to be "in the black" at any point. I will always owe more than I can pay on every single bill I have. There is no way I will ever own a home. There is no way I will ever pay off my car. There is no

way I will ever have any of the things that my family deserves or even needs. I have tried to look at the positive things in my life.

I have two wonderful kids. I almost killed the oldest one today because I was having yet another mental breakdown (they are at almost regular intervals lately) and asked him to take his brother outside. When I went out to check on them they were gone. I mean I couldn't find them ANYWHERE. Silly me, I expected things to be like they were supposed to be. Rules for going out with Bear much less on his own include NOT GOING INTO ANYONE ELSE'S HOME WITHOUT MOM KNOWING WHERE YOU ARE. Why would Xander NOT follow this rule. Especially since he has been in constant trouble for the last two weeks?!? OH that's right because NOTHING in my life is going to go right!! I panicked. OF COURSE. I convinced myself that I could find them walking crazily around and around the complex. Once I was REALLY freaked out I figured I would go knock on Xander's friends door and ask if they had seen them. OF COURSE he was there, INSIDE, with his brother. I can't even express how pissed I am. I have gone over and over with him how this works. I have grounded, I have limited his life to the point he can't do anything without me instigating it, and STILL he doesn't get this. Without doing REAL violence I have no idea how to get through his thick skull how this is not something to take lightly.

And this is my SMALL problem. When everything is going wrong, these small things smash you like a ton of brick swung willy nilly by the invisible giant of doom. And all anyone wants to do is point out where things can be fixed and how to look up and be positive and thankful. I am not really trying to not be thankful. I am really not trying to control everything. After losing my job, and then my relationship falling apart, I feel like everything in my life is being methodically RIPPED out of my hands and in the span of 3 months what was something I had a very long dark tunnel to go through but would be able to overcome, has now presented itself in it's true form. An insurmountable mountain. What do you do when you KNOW there is nothing you can do? I am praying. I am hoping that at some point the bottom will stop dropping out. I am trying to not look around at everyone else, and seeing that even though they are in a tough place, that mine is even worse and getting worse by the second.

I am trying to NOT tell other people how bad it is, because then they want to help, but really there isn't anything they can do. I don't want other people to take care of my bills. I don't want to ask anyone for money to help until I can get back on my feet. I HAVE to accept what I have so far. I will never be able to pay ANY of it back. EVER. That is almost worse than being in debt in the first place. People do a lot of talking about what you are saving for, and what you are doing for your kids. I am basically not doing anything but digging a deeper hole.

My kids are basically shit out of luck. Wow, what a great mom I am.

Everyone says I am doing all that I can and that's enough. But really it's not. I know that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, and all that, but really how much more until I lose my kids? I already can't pay rent, that's why I am still here with Kevin. I can't pay for my car. That will be gone in a few months I am sure. I can't pay my credit card bill...that for sure isn't going to go away or get any better. I don't pay utilities cause Kevin is taking care of that right now too. But as last night proved, we can't keep living like this, or its going to be nothing but fighting and all that crap. Yet what else can I do. I am applying to HUD and may get income based housing. So then based on my income I "should" be able to at least pay rent and utilities. Food stamps hopefully will cover the bulk of my groceries. And then I will just have to try and not have any more hospital, doctor, or any other kind of bill outside of that. That should be impossible. Really what to do? I know keep your head up, something will get better. Hard to do when you are rolling downhill like a snowball headed for hell. Ok, at least I have cute pictures of my baby to keep this from being wrist slitting inducing depressing right?