I used to be so well adjusted. I used to be so happy with my life and everything in it. I mean I know I was never really in control of everything in it, there was a lot of negatives that came at me that I never let get me down. I really kept my chin up. And then like a dark cloud out of no where the ugly head of jealousy reared and I was almost taken by surprise, I knew it was there, in the background waiting for me. I mean there were days when I would look at yet another crappy apartment for rent when I would consider the crappy credit score that would not be any better any time soon no
matter what I would do keeping me from looking seriously at looking at purchasing a home
for myself and my kids. That is when I realized I am seething with jealousy. And what really am I jealous of?? Another payment I can't really afford? Another cost that we don't have the money for? Honestly we are most definitely scraping the bottom of the money barrel just making it month to
month, paycheck to paycheck with what we are paying now. Sure it would be less "taxing" if I would see a little bit of child support from the people who provided a little bit of the DNA that combined with mine to make the wonderful little people that is my responsibility and joy, no really it is my JOY, to raise,
love and enjoy! Why is it that all this money crap makes a person so jealous of stuff that other people have?? I know that everyone else is struggling in
ways maybe we aren't. Perhaps not financially like we are but maybe spiritually, or in some other
way. I am in a very stable family. Maybe not in my dream home. Maybe not with my dream kids as far as behaviour goes, but hey then they wouldn't be MY kids for sure! BUT, I really do wish I had my own house. I really do want a home. Please tell me I am not the
only one who is jealous over others haves.
Stardate 4.23.2009 (ok not really a star date get off my back already I was in a zone! Geesh!) Today was looking up! I got to go out and let off a little steam last night, sing my brains out at kareoke, hang with a bunch of strangers, a few new friends, and a couple of folks I really actually know and like! Yay for me, and maybe even them! So, anyway, since I have the most awesomest boyfriend on the planet ever (like all the time not just today by the way) I got to sleep in while he got up and took care of kiddos! Yay for meeeee! So, then time came for me to get up and face the day, and my child (as thank God the oldest goes to school) and it was time for Dear Boyfriend to take care of other responsibilities he has away from here. (He might just need to get away from us, we are a lot to deal with thus mommy escaping to Kareoke last night!) So, 
we get to the shocking moment of my morning. I go to fix my morning bowl of cereal and since its so nice out I am thinking that oatmeal just isn't going to do it for me, no I want cold cereal! Alas the fridge reveals only whole milk. Now I was born allergic to milk, outgrew this in my 20's but never got used to the taste so the "strongest" milk I can stomach in my cereal is 2% and that is pushing it most days! So, thanks to my friend Becca from Chi town I have an alternative since I have a box of Kix cereal! Peanut butter and Kix! I melt my Peanut butter just a bit so it coats the Kix really well and Boom I am in business! Add a banana and I convince myself this is a healthy alternative to my Special K with fresh berries I had planned to eat. Then I open the jar of peanut butter. There is probably enough peanut butter left in this jar to cover half a piece of bread...if you 
spread it REALLY thin. Lucky for me I have a spare jar (off brand, meaning not the brand I like and normally buy I am picky about my peanut butter like ONE brand and creamy only kind of picky) in my bag I take to work with me. Thank God! I swear I would have had to have made Kevin come back here and take me to Wal-mart just so I could eat breakfast. Ok, so maybe that is more because I am stubborn than there was NOTHING to eat but really what is the point of eating Special K if you are eating it with Whole Milk anyway??? So, anyway, its gotta get better from here...right?
