So I sit here in front of a computer wanting to say so many things and yet not sure who to say them to. So I type them in here. My life is not what one would call the happiest and I know I am an active contributor to that, but I also know that I can't seem to control the downward spiral that has been the past few months. Brakes don't work when you fall I guess. I have YET to hit rock bottom even if I was sure I already had. In all honesty I have seriously thought everyone would be better off without me around. No I don't want to kill myself. I have always had an odd idea about death anyway, I mean it is like the last great adventure...before you move on to what is afterlife. I find myself wishing I had more hope in the here and now than I have for the afterlife. I know I can't go anywhere...what would happen to poor Bear?!? Xander would definitely have some MAJOR changes since he would probably end up with his father...uh that would be harsh. Yeah, so not looking at "death" as an option, but I do find myself pondering the "after now" of death. Maybe it is because I can't really do anything to change what is going on in my life. I can't control that Bear is an absolute grump when he wakes up from a nap I have to fight him to take, leaving me exhausted beyond my norm...and then I have to try and stay calm and normal even though I don't have a nerve in my body that isn't on edge and singed from the last few months events. I can't change the fact that my credit is absolute crap and keeping me from renting anything in this town. I look back and know there was no way i could have paid the house payment on the house in SD and have been able to provide for Xander as I did back then. It was on Don to take care of that. Of course he failed, I don't know why I would have expected anything other than that. I mean effort put forth on such things is never what I would expect from a responsible parent, but then things changed so much after we separated...no wait it didn't change, I just saw the truth. The truth. Something I value beyond anything else. The ender of so many of my relationships. The thing I have to hold onto really, that I can still be honest. I honestly just don't know what I can do to change where I am right now. I literally just recently "woke up" from my major depression following the "events" of this summer. Just when I think I have gotten around it, I am up and upbeat, depression come roaring back on scene. It really sucks badly. I don't WANT to be depressed. I don't WANT to feel trapped. I don't WANT to have the crappiest credit in the history of single mom's and not be able to get a decent apartment for me and my kids. I truly feel as though I am failing my kids in SO many ways. Bear doesn't talk. I was excited to hear he called my mom Grandma this morning, only so she would take him out of the Pack-n-Play but I swear I have heard him say it but can't get him to. Just like any other words. He just doesn't freaking TALK. He will babble all freaking day long. Scream bloody murder for whatever it is he thinks he MUST have, but he WILL NOT VERBALIZE! Probably all due to the fact that being such a crap-tastic mom, I have not read to him enough, or talk to him enough, or give him enough interaction with other children and all that wonderful mommy stuff that I suck at. Xander is having all sorts of issues with school work and honesty and all that fun stuff. He got a lecture from his dad on the phone this weekend. Yeah that's gonna do the trick I am sure! *drips sarcasm* I am just not in control of anything right now. NOTHING. I spent a long time yesterday before work crying uncontrollably. HOW did I get my life to this point? WHY is my life here? WHAT did I do that made such BAD karma that this is my results? I really just want to run away...that invitation to go to Springfield for the weekend and pretend I have no responsibilities is SOOOO tempting. And yet the one who made the offer probably has forgotten it already and is sick of me anyway. Just like all the people I think are friends who just disappear. I'm lucky like that. Boo hoo, poor me...I know...I was sooooooo up yesterday, then crash. My kids deserve so much better. It is really sad.
