Still Searching

I am still searching, searching for ideas, searching for inspiration, searching for something to just HIT me. And yes I am trying to figure out what the heck to do with ME. I am in the midst of looking for employment, and it is a dreary world out there and I would like to find something with a little light at

least at the end of the tunnel. I have sent out many applications and resumes into the vast expanse of cyber space, and heard the dull echo of nothingness which has become a regular sound, around the squeals and screeches of my VERY vocal 16 month old. I am beginning to consider some "alternate" ideas but I have to say I am really not a salesperson, though I would give it 100% if I tried, I just can't seem to bring myself to do many of the many "work at home" or such jobs.

I need more training in something, or I need a craft of some kind. I feel like someone with no skills even though I know I possess many, I feel bereft of them at times like these. Also there is a distinct loneliness that comes with being unemployed. Add to that the children and lack of income to pay for a sitter so I can job search and that makes me even less socialized. I am pushing outward though, not drawing inward!

I have gone out to meet the frey, I have gone to visit family, stopped by friends, made a general nuisance of myself and my children. Because staying in this house all day long is not healthy for any of us. Now I must go rescue my starving child from his highchair as he has decided the breakfast I have prepared him does not meet his tiny taste buds specifications, yes it is almost noon and he is just now eating breakfast, he doesn't eat right away when he wakes and refuses to slow down enough til a few hours later, and he is a late sleeper lately.

10am this morning. I should just be happy to get sleep!! Ok, I am off!

And I had a bad day....

Very rough one, got off work at 6 am, picked up Bear, came home and he was just not feeling quite right. So we just hung out, me, Bear, and Xander while Bear was kind of a terror watching a movie when my phone rang at 8am. It was my boss asking me to come in at 10am. So I took the boys up to my mom's house because Kev was sleeping and has park patrol tonight, and went in, and I got terminated. Just a little piece of paper saying I was not longer employed there and "Refer to Baxter County Personnel Policy Section 9E.4 if you wish to request a grievance hearing." So I know that because I live in an "at will" state they don't "have" to give me a reason they let me go I still asked. They weren't saying. Just that I had the right to the grievance hearing. Now I have read about this grievance hearing and I don't really know that I WANT one, just because it almost sounds like you have one to get your job back. I really don't know that I want to try and get back a job they just fired me from. BUT I DO what to know WHY. I just don't really understand why I don't get to know. I mean if I really screwed up then tell me. If I wore the wrong color shoes in, tell me. I understand that I could be let go for some pretty silly reasons with this "at will" thing but MY worry is that perspective employers will call them and they will share their reasons with them and I won't know about it and those perspective employers will not hire me for reasons I don't know. Does that make any sense to anyone but me?!? I have a friend who worked with me in another job. She was let go. Given the option to quit before she was fired I believe, it has been so long ago I am not even sure maybe she just put in her 2 weeks and that was it, anyway it was all health related and they were really stubborn about not working with her on her issues which was really silly because she was REALLY REALLY good at her job!! ANYWAY she found out later she was having trouble getting hired because that employer was simply telling perspective employers that if they were given the opportunity to hire her again they would not. No explanation about the health issue making it impossible for her to work within their arbitrary rules. Just NO. I found THAT very harsh. So THIS is just really hard. I have to say in comparison to other times I have been terminated, I can remember 3 of them, yup Stellar I know, this has to be the hardest to come to terms with because I don't know WHY, but the easiest because I just simply was "sensing" something coming for a while. Not so much that I thought I was going to get fired. No that was a pretty big shocker, but I knew change was coming and I had been having some weird stay at home mom dreams, and weird work scheme dreams and as much as I don't lend a lot to dream/prophecy I think this time around I was prepared a bit. Now if only I wasn't so hung up on this stupid WHY! Of course I am freaking out about getting my Resume updated and looking "right", filing for (and I fear being denied for) unemployment and assistance, like ARkids for my children to have health insurance because OF COURSE today Bear has a 103 degree fever. Yes God I am listening, I just don't obviously know what you are trying to tell me. Is there an interpreter in the house???? Oh yeah and I couldn't bring myself to put pictures on this entry. Nothing seemed to really work. (Oooo that was a BAD joke)

Look I remembered the ART!! Bear the new Monet! Or whatever...I don't really know my art that well...

Here are Barrett's Master Pieces!! Enjoy! We do!

Homemade Finger Paint...What no finished Product?? Bad Mommy!!

So, I got off work this morning with a plan. A MISSION! We headed to the grocery store to get Vanilla Pudding (Sugar Free) and Food Coloring so that me and the Bear could make us some Finger Paint and make some messy painting projects outside before it got too hot today!! Sound like fun?!?!

So, I mix up the Pudding, and OMG it was fun to mix up, even with a screaming toddler chasing a cat at my feet, (Remember that cat is a FAT cat that takes up A LOT of room!) and I had lots of fun making the colors!!

Then out to the front step/porch area to start being creative....and here are the pictures I remembered to take!

What did I forget, You wonder? Well the finished product of course!! I didn't take ONE DARNED PICTURE of the finished product! LMAO! We had two finished canvases! Oh and he enjoyed eating the paint/pudding WAY more than painting with it, and walking/sitting in it more than playing in it with his hands...and trying to walk around in it while sliding all over. We were BOTH covered in paint! It was GREAT! Next time we need someone else there to take pictures so you can see ALL the fun!!

This is me you're talking to....

So, it hits me today. I spend a lot of time talking to people. People who know me, people who don't know me. People who maybe think they know me. And I realize, I don't even think I know me. I don't even know if I like me some days. Today being Mother's Day I think about being a mom and I think eh, ya know I do my best. But I don't know if that is good enough. I try. I really do. I also think, I could do better. I could do better with my kids. I could do better with my house. I could do better in my relationship. I could do better at my job. You, sitting there reading this. Do YOU really know me? Are you sure I am that person you perceive me to be? Are you sure? Cause deep down, especially lately...me, I'm not so sure.

It started out Soooo goood!!!!

Stardate 4.23.2009 (ok not really a star date get off my back already I was in a zone! Geesh!) Today was looking up! I got to go out and let off a little steam last night, sing my brains out at kareoke, hang with a bunch of strangers, a few new friends, and a couple of folks I really actually know and like! Yay for me, and maybe even them! So, anyway, since I have the most awesomest boyfriend on the planet ever (like all the time not just today by the way) I got to sleep in while he got up and took care of kiddos! Yay for meeeee! So, then time came for me to get up and face the day, and my child (as thank God the oldest goes to school) and it was time for Dear Boyfriend to take care of other responsibilities he has away from here. (He might just need to get away from us, we are a lot to deal with thus mommy escaping to Kareoke last night!) So, we get to the shocking moment of my morning. I go to fix my morning bowl of cereal and since its so nice out I am thinking that oatmeal just isn't going to do it for me, no I want cold cereal! Alas the fridge reveals only whole milk. Now I was born allergic to milk, outgrew this in my 20's but never got used to the taste so the "strongest" milk I can stomach in my cereal is 2% and that is pushing it most days! So, thanks to my friend Becca from Chi town I have an alternative since I have a box of Kix cereal! Peanut butter and Kix! I melt my Peanut butter just a bit so it coats the Kix really well and Boom I am in business! Add a banana and I convince myself this is a healthy alternative to my Special K with fresh berries I had planned to eat. Then I open the jar of peanut butter. There is probably enough peanut butter left in this jar to cover half a piece of bread...if you spread it REALLY thin. Lucky for me I have a spare jar (off brand, meaning not the brand I like and normally buy I am picky about my peanut butter like ONE brand and creamy only kind of picky) in my bag I take to work with me. Thank God! I swear I would have had to have made Kevin come back here and take me to Wal-mart just so I could eat breakfast. Ok, so maybe that is more because I am stubborn than there was NOTHING to eat but really what is the point of eating Special K if you are eating it with Whole Milk anyway??? So, anyway, its gotta get better from here...right?

When did I get so Jealous???

I used to be so well adjusted. I used to be so happy with my life and everything in it. I mean I know I was never really in control of everything in it, there was a lot of negatives that came at me that I never let get me down. I really kept my chin up. And then like a dark cloud out of no where the ugly head of jealousy reared and I was almost taken by surprise, I knew it was there, in the background waiting for me. I mean there were days when I would look at yet another crappy apartment for rent when I would consider the crappy credit score that would not be any better any time soon no matter what I would do keeping me from looking seriously at looking at purchasing a home for myself and my kids. That is when I realized I am seething with jealousy. And what really am I jealous of?? Another payment I can't really afford? Another cost that we don't have the money for? Honestly we are most definitely scraping the bottom of the money barrel just making it month to month, paycheck to paycheck with what we are paying now. Sure it would be less "taxing" if I would see a little bit of child support from the people who provided a little bit of the DNA that combined with mine to make the wonderful little people that is my responsibility and joy, no really it is my JOY, to raise, love and enjoy! Why is it that all this money crap makes a person so jealous of stuff that other people have?? I know that everyone else is struggling in ways maybe we aren't. Perhaps not financially like we are but maybe spiritually, or in some other way. I am in a very stable family. Maybe not in my dream home. Maybe not with my dream kids as far as behaviour goes, but hey then they wouldn't be MY kids for sure! BUT, I really do wish I had my own house. I really do want a home. Please tell me I am not the only one who is jealous over others haves.