Let me see if I can empty my head....it's never been very full!

I am on my second day off in a row today and have had a lot of "thinking time" during these couple of days. "Thinking time" seems to develop a lot around here when I want to sleep, but can't because the baby is not cooperating. Ever since I started this Blog Thing I decided I should have something interesting everyday written in here. Then I decided I am not really that interesting. That thought led to me thinking about the past. Don't ask me how, my past doesn't seem very interesting either. Upon a cursory glance backward in time I have some unanswered questions that on a dark and lonely night sometimes drift into my stream of consciousness and bob gently at the surface of my sanity. (Those who know me know this is a small bay in the ocean of my mind.) I have to say I feel as though I have "moved on" and "gotten over" all of my past adventures and yet little things drift, shimmering ever so slightly, drawing my attention and forcing me to ask questions. The foremost question lately has been, if I was so completely in love with someone in my past, how is it that I am not completely in love with them now? For those of you who are lucky enough to have been with only one person who "completed" you, with whom your existence could not continue without some sort of close personal and totally life intertwining connection/relationship, then this is not a question you would have to bother yourself with. Others I would assume are able to say, the past is the past and that is where it will stay. I was very happy being a past is the past kind of person but the quickly developing very strong feelings I have been feeling towards my amazingly wonderful boyfriend I guess has me a little worried. Not only that he will find that he can do without me, no matter how much we are meant to be together, but also that I will at some point want/need to do without him. Maybe it is that I have ALWAYS been the one to end things. (Ok there was that guy who wanted to date other people but we weren't really that serious and honestly I wasn't that "involved" in our relationship to begin with.) After coming to the conclusion that I am the one ALWAYS coming to a conclusion in my relationships I feel the need to look back and see what "good reason" I had for ending it in the first place. I have been divorced from my ex-husband for 6 years now I think (Really I stopped celebrating the anniversary of my Divorce so I can't really tell you for sure!) I am fairly certain my mistake there was just being young and thinking I HAD to be married and he was the one in my life who would do that. Sad, but again looking back you have so much clearer vision of these things. Our marriage ended mostly because he would not participate in major decisions and then everything was my fault. Well that and he lacked ambition enough to provide properly for our family and he was a bit (ok a lot) controlling and abusive towards me. Ok, no big mystery there, good reason to get out and move on, don't love him anymore, can remain civil with him but he is definitely NOT the man I thought he was when we married. (Now I feel like I have a HUGE line of men to talk about so please if you don't care, move on this might take a while!) Next we have the relationship I jumped into right after separating from my ex-husband. Now, that was a doosey! We were together 3.5 years or so....he was a good man, but he had A LOT of growing up to do. I was going through a lot too and the combination was NOT good at all. I still love his family and miss his mom and dad like crazy but I am sure I made the best decision for me and Xander when that ended. I think we both learned some very valuable life lessons together and remain on speaking terms and I care a lot about him to this day, but not like you would for someone you want to spend your life with, if you know what I mean. Then we get to the one I was sure was the "ONE". When I met this man I didn't know why I wanted him but I did. I pursued him. I caught him. I was not looking to be with anyone but we ended up together. He is a wonderful person still I am sure. That did not change. As a matter of fact right up until the day things ended I was sure I was going to marry this man. I had bought him a ring, and somewhat (extenuating circumstances prevented the whole big foo for raa I had planned) proposed to him. We were trying to conceive a child, which was a HUGE deal for me because I wasn't sure up until that exact moment in my life that I wanted another child. Then, one night, I didn't come home, he didn't like that I didn't come home (I was with family, or people who were just like family since I didn't have any flesh and blood family in ND where I lived at that time.) Somehow a conversation about me having a few beers and not wanting to drive evolved into his questioning why I would want to be with my family I was visiting and ended with him telling me that my belief system (Ok, explanation necessary...I believe that there are moments in my life when God Himself places someone in my life that I need to help. I literally feel a tap on the shoulder and know what it is I need to do for this person. Usually its a sit down heart to heart and figure out why they are trying to destroy their lives and try and turn them back on course and reconnect with God in whatever spiritual way they view as right) my calling, as I feel it is, is a bunch of excrement from the hind end of an animal of the equine variety and that I was just screwing around on him. So, the combination of his complete disbelief of my spiritual values (which he was informed of at the very beginning of my relationship with him...I seriously have "the talk" with any perspective suitor that "I am weird, I think I hear God and sometimes other spirits talking to me and I see things too. It's not going to stop and I am not going to be convinced I am crazy. If this makes you uncomfortable maybe we should not see each other.") and the sudden, never before seen complete lack of trust was enough for me to end things. We met once after while I began moving out my things in which he questioned how I could "Love him" one minute and not the next. I explained it wasn't that I didn't love him, He obviously didn't love all of me. And was completely unwilling to recognize and accept that at all. I am not in love with him anymore but I can still see why I did love him in the first place. He is a good man, just not the man I can be with for the rest of my life. I refuse to have to explain myself EVERY time something comes into my life that I feel I have to help someone with. I think it is kind of like working with a charity organization except you never know when they are going to call you, and you ALWAYS have to take the call. Does that make sense? Probably not but I digress! The only thing preventing me from loving him is knowing how he feels. The only communication we have had since I left the state was via text message in which he basically said I was crazy and that I would NEVER find someone who would accept "that" about me and I would be alone forever. Maybe THAT is what haunts me?? So, out of the past and back to the present, I love Kevin. I am comfortable with him and I feel a sort of passion with him I have never felt. He is everything I could ever want in a partner and MORE! So, I worry. I guess I feel like the one who is going to screw things up. Not that I am going to do something different, like cheat or lie or some stupid thing like that. Just by being who I really am is going to at some point make him realize he can do sooo much better than me. Little things, like he is a very neat person. The living room being messy drives him nuts. I only care if someone else is coming to visit. I am your basic slob. I do the dishes cause if you don't they will stink, but I will put them off for as long as possible. He does the dishes cause there are dishes in the sink. I have in such a short time trusted my heart, my soul, and my family in the hands of a man who I am sure I know. This is where the past comes in to haunt me. Didn't I know before? What did I ignore then that I didn't now? I guess in time things will answer themselves and I am just going to just "blindly" go forth with my trust and my love and my devotion and pray that it is enough for me to continue to be in this relationship that I truly believe is a blessing from God Himself. As Kevin always reminds me in times of great stress and worry, Let Go, Let God. So that lightened the thinking burden a bit in my head for now. Now about that dog. Not feasible at this time, we have 4 cats and discuss regularly that we might have to find a new home for them due to possible allergies in the kids, so WHY do I yearn so completely for a dog? Well, practical purpose first. Cats don't clean up messes of food off the floor. Dogs do. (Meaning food thrown from the high chair ect.) Dogs can be taught to stay off the furniture, Cats obviously can by other people but not me! LOL! Ok, so One of these days I WILL have a dog, but not today. Oh that is another painful past memory. While living in Texas some SOB stole my freaking DOG! She was the LOVE of my life, My baby girl. She was beautiful and wonderful and I miss her soooooooooo much. I can only believe that God decided I couldn't have her AND Barrett. And if I had to trade one for the other, I guess I have to go with keeping the baby. Sambuca, if you are still alive, and out there somewhere I love you and miss you every single day!