Just as Rome fell, so shall they...

Long time no post. What could be the occasion? I just realized how vain I am, and had my sense of attractiveness completely crushed. I think I have always taken pride in my breasts. Proud they fed my children. Proud they look great in a tight shirt. Proud that they were quite large and well beautiful. I was in a MAJOR state of denial about the girls of late. They no longer are full, beautiful, attractive "fun bags" of last year. They aren't even as nice as they were before my second pregnancy. They look like a 50 year old womans boobs! Flat sad pancakes of flesh lacking even the tennis ball lump of a tennis ball in a sock! To take a halfway decent picture of them (yup I had to check them out via pictures to see if the mirror MAY have lied to me) I had to float them in water (vis the tub) AND take a picture from above, not at a normal angle. Did I mention the sagging skin wrinckles up? Yeah HOT! Maybe this is what happens to breasts after 35. Maybe its because they were so full of so much milk for so long. I find myself back to the thought that I may never want a man to see my body again. That is how important my boobs looking good means to me! Those of you 35+ gals with still great looking racks I can only say fuck you. That is so completely NOT fair! How will I ever get by without my wonderous rack?!? Will I now have to depend on my dazzling personality?!? (Oh how I wish it wasn't so "you either like it or don't") Will I have to depend now on my rock star good looks?!? (Oh wait, that's my fantasy face, not the real one in the mirror!) Maybe I will just go to bed and dream back my old boobs. I miss them so!

More Poor Me Crap...Reality Bites and my Fantasy keeps poofing!

So I sit here in front of a computer wanting to say so many things and yet not sure who to say them to. So I type them in here. My life is not what one would call the happiest and I know I am an active contributor to that, but I also know that I can't seem to control the downward spiral that has been the past few months. Brakes don't work when you fall I guess. I have YET to hit rock bottom even if I was sure I already had. In all honesty I have seriously thought everyone would be better off without me around. No I don't want to kill myself. I have always had an odd idea about death anyway, I mean it is like the last great adventure...before you move on to what is afterlife. I find myself wishing I had more hope in the here and now than I have for the afterlife. I know I can't go anywhere...what would happen to poor Bear?!? Xander would definitely have some MAJOR changes since he would probably end up with his father...uh that would be harsh. Yeah, so not looking at "death" as an option, but I do find myself pondering the "after now" of death. Maybe it is because I can't really do anything to change what is going on in my life. I can't control that Bear is an absolute grump when he wakes up from a nap I have to fight him to take, leaving me exhausted beyond my norm...and then I have to try and stay calm and normal even though I don't have a nerve in my body that isn't on edge and singed from the last few months events. I can't change the fact that my credit is absolute crap and keeping me from renting anything in this town. I look back and know there was no way i could have paid the house payment on the house in SD and have been able to provide for Xander as I did back then. It was on Don to take care of that. Of course he failed, I don't know why I would have expected anything other than that. I mean effort put forth on such things is never what I would expect from a responsible parent, but then things changed so much after we separated...no wait it didn't change, I just saw the truth. The truth. Something I value beyond anything else. The ender of so many of my relationships. The thing I have to hold onto really, that I can still be honest. I honestly just don't know what I can do to change where I am right now. I literally just recently "woke up" from my major depression following the "events" of this summer. Just when I think I have gotten around it, I am up and upbeat, depression come roaring back on scene. It really sucks badly. I don't WANT to be depressed. I don't WANT to feel trapped. I don't WANT to have the crappiest credit in the history of single mom's and not be able to get a decent apartment for me and my kids. I truly feel as though I am failing my kids in SO many ways. Bear doesn't talk. I was excited to hear he called my mom Grandma this morning, only so she would take him out of the Pack-n-Play but I swear I have heard him say it but can't get him to. Just like any other words. He just doesn't freaking TALK. He will babble all freaking day long. Scream bloody murder for whatever it is he thinks he MUST have, but he WILL NOT VERBALIZE! Probably all due to the fact that being such a crap-tastic mom, I have not read to him enough, or talk to him enough, or give him enough interaction with other children and all that wonderful mommy stuff that I suck at. Xander is having all sorts of issues with school work and honesty and all that fun stuff. He got a lecture from his dad on the phone this weekend. Yeah that's gonna do the trick I am sure! *drips sarcasm* I am just not in control of anything right now. NOTHING. I spent a long time yesterday before work crying uncontrollably. HOW did I get my life to this point? WHY is my life here? WHAT did I do that made such BAD karma that this is my results? I really just want to run away...that invitation to go to Springfield for the weekend and pretend I have no responsibilities is SOOOO tempting. And yet the one who made the offer probably has forgotten it already and is sick of me anyway. Just like all the people I think are friends who just disappear. I'm lucky like that. Boo hoo, poor me...I know...I was sooooooo up yesterday, then crash. My kids deserve so much better. It is really sad.

Can I Change the Title to BITCH instead of BLOG?

So I know all I ever do is bring you down lately. I am just so down I can't seem to come up for air anymore. I would like to say things are looking up but whenever I think that, fate takes the wheel and down I go again. So...searching for some good news here. I have some GREAT online friends who I wish lived A LOT closer to me so I could talk to them in person. I wish I had more people like that here. On Friday I got a letter in the mail telling me that my application for food stamps was denied cause I make too much money...funny I thought a part time job and every other month child support checks didn't really push me over the limit...and then Tuesday Night I get a letter in the mail saying I was approved for food stamps and will have to report any change of income over $1,900...OK that's a lot different than my first letter...hmmmm. So today I checked the balance on my handy dandy EBT card and dog-gone-it if I don't have money for food on there! Yay! So today me and Mr. Bear went to good ole Walmart and picked up a bunch of food. I even cooked supper! Go me! In doing so I noticed EVERYTHING is jacked up in the kitchen cupboards. That is when it hits me, I have been so "in my own world" for the last couple months, and not taking care of anything really well, that I have not noticed that NO ONE in this apartment knows where shit goes and just places it willy-nilly wherever they think it can fit. So, i didn't get the dishes washed, but the cupboards are back in order. Now if only I could find a place to move into that I could possibly afford then I could KEEP them the way I want them. I guess right now I am waiting on HUD but I guess tomorrow I should start making some calls again to see if any of the Low Income Based housing places have had any openings come up. Ummm...other than that I have just stuff to bitch about...

So, I was mildly irritated to wake up this morning as I did not get as much sleep as one would guess I would on my night off. Bear woke up a lot, I stayed up late chatting, and the stupid cat wouldn't stay the hell off of me. I couldn't close the bedroom door cause it was like a freaking OVEN in there when I took Bear in to lay down thus the continued wake ups from the pussy. Then I get up and make me and Bear pancakes...we had barely enough mix to make one pancake, so I pulled out the biscuit mix and added it in with the mixins needed to make pancakes with it....then i added too much milk apparently. So then i mixed in some homemade batter to beef it up a bit...and then I tasted the first pancake. One of the mixes had gotten a very nasty stale taste to it, making my yummy I was craving so much pancakes taste just this side of assy. So, I added in some raspberries. To the batter and on top

while eating them. Now they were good, but not as good as they could be because of the hint of stale mix in there. Next time they will rock however I am sure! Then I had to get me and Bear around to do the aforementioned grocery shopping. That we accomplished rather well for the store packed with old people who only walk at a snails pace and have to stop in every single eisle and get in my way. Bear of course did NOT want to be in the cart and I kept him as happy as I could. Needless to say we made A LOT of noise. Mommy wanted to SCREAM too!! We made it home and Bear was out like a light. I wanted to be too, but it was almost 1pm by then...holy crap about 2 hours in the store?!? Yeah those people WERE walking SLOW! I had to put away all the groceries and get the soup i was making into the slow cooker so it would be ready by 5pm. I got all that done and my body said, Girl you need to eat something.

So I heated up some dip and pulled out some tortilla chips and started to eat. Now when I got home I toyed with the idea of waking Kevin up but he normally gets up around 1pm anyway, so I figured he would be up soon. So around 2:30 I finished all my crap and was eating my chips when he finally gets up. And then he can't figure out why I am irritable. Do I need to explain this to anyone else?!? Now I know he is under no obligation to help me or the kids. We are just living together right now...but OMG I am PISSED. Mostly because I know tomorrow I am going to get JACK ALL for sleep cause he is going out with friends tonight which means he ain't getting up no earlier tomorrow. UGH. So then I go lay down around 3pm. Can't sleep cause i am irritated but eventually drift off to dream land. Only to be awakened by voices outside my window.

I figure they will go away soon, no one really hangs out outside the apartment talking that long right?!? WRONG! It was Kevin and his friends. Why would I imagine that he would say, oh Karla is sleeping maybe we could go into the living room since the open window is right here? Why would I even expect that he would do more than say "Sorry we were trying to be quiet" when he was obviously practically running out the door to leave once I woke up. No need to offer to keep it down so I could get more sleep. No, really I don't need it. Seriously get me off this roller coaster ride before I stab someone in the EYE! It goes back and forth between let me help you, to why are you so crabby. No i don't have any fucking reason to be bitchy recently. And he thinks everything is getting better and we will be all hunkie dorie very soon. Yup, this did not help, and we weren't that close to begin with. Give an inch they take a fucking mile for granted. I give up. Seriously.

Cranky Baby, just plain cranky...

So I know all my drama and emotional stuff is bound to rub off on my little Bear, but today has been just CRAZY! He is just whining and crying about everything. From eating, to taking a nap, to his brother going into the bathroom and shutting the door. Top that off with the fact I am suddenly EVIL in his eyes and he pulls away from me, and throws himself around violently in my arms, with such disdain HE MUST blame me for the balance being upset. Either that or this mystery rash he has combined with the heat in our apartment (we shut down the A/C a few weeks ago) and those two last incisors coming in to make my life of turmoil even more tumultuous. Quite

possibly he is also over tired. So, about the rash...it's strange, very "bumpy" kind of like acne, but hard points I guess. We unfortunately have not heard back about ARKids so I don't have insurance for the doctor and no money so...we hope to hear back on Tuesday about that so I can take him in and get it checked out if it is still there.

Also need to get him his 18 month appointment/checkup. All of this adds into my "just wanna puke" jet setting (in a jet crashing in a fiery ball) life today. Another thing that is occupying my thoughts...I want to be closer to my close friends. The ones who ROCK my world daily with support, phone calls, Facebook status comments and personal emails! They live so far away. Many in different places all over the US. But there is that one special state. The one that has been calling my name. North Dakota. I thought I had moved away and was free. I am not. Why? Because of all the AWESOME

people who live there! Their love, kindness, and just flat out stick-to-it-ness in friendship, amazes me! I can't express how much they all mean to me! So, thanks to them I am thinking that I may have to take my dear sweet friend Heather's offer to help me and the kids relocate up there yet again.This is spurred on by my total lack of friends of the same caliber here. Negative side, leaving mom and the two people who

really do care. Well, what is best is best right? So, do I do it? Jump? Run? Is it good for me and the boys? I can't tell you. I just know that today, right now,

I want to.

Editing old posts....

So since I have been so horribly depressing lately I was spurred to go back and edit old posts I had not published. February 20th back in the "archives" I guess, is a new post from back then that was never published because for some reason I couldn't get the video to work, I got it today, and published it...not sure if there will be more, but I will add them on here, if anyone wants to go back and look at them. (Really you don't have to waste your time, especially if you wasted it already reading my poor me depressing posts.)

The Most Depressing Blog in the ENTIRE World!!!

So I think I have come to the realization that nothing is ever going to get any better. My life is never going to be "in the black" at any point. I will always owe more than I can pay on every single bill I have. There is no way I will ever own a home. There is no way I will ever pay off my car. There is no

way I will ever have any of the things that my family deserves or even needs. I have tried to look at the positive things in my life.

I have two wonderful kids. I almost killed the oldest one today because I was having yet another mental breakdown (they are at almost regular intervals lately) and asked him to take his brother outside. When I went out to check on them they were gone. I mean I couldn't find them ANYWHERE. Silly me, I expected things to be like they were supposed to be. Rules for going out with Bear much less on his own include NOT GOING INTO ANYONE ELSE'S HOME WITHOUT MOM KNOWING WHERE YOU ARE. Why would Xander NOT follow this rule. Especially since he has been in constant trouble for the last two weeks?!? OH that's right because NOTHING in my life is going to go right!! I panicked. OF COURSE. I convinced myself that I could find them walking crazily around and around the complex. Once I was REALLY freaked out I figured I would go knock on Xander's friends door and ask if they had seen them. OF COURSE he was there, INSIDE, with his brother. I can't even express how pissed I am. I have gone over and over with him how this works. I have grounded, I have limited his life to the point he can't do anything without me instigating it, and STILL he doesn't get this. Without doing REAL violence I have no idea how to get through his thick skull how this is not something to take lightly.

And this is my SMALL problem. When everything is going wrong, these small things smash you like a ton of brick swung willy nilly by the invisible giant of doom. And all anyone wants to do is point out where things can be fixed and how to look up and be positive and thankful. I am not really trying to not be thankful. I am really not trying to control everything. After losing my job, and then my relationship falling apart, I feel like everything in my life is being methodically RIPPED out of my hands and in the span of 3 months what was something I had a very long dark tunnel to go through but would be able to overcome, has now presented itself in it's true form. An insurmountable mountain. What do you do when you KNOW there is nothing you can do? I am praying. I am hoping that at some point the bottom will stop dropping out. I am trying to not look around at everyone else, and seeing that even though they are in a tough place, that mine is even worse and getting worse by the second.

I am trying to NOT tell other people how bad it is, because then they want to help, but really there isn't anything they can do. I don't want other people to take care of my bills. I don't want to ask anyone for money to help until I can get back on my feet. I HAVE to accept what I have so far. I will never be able to pay ANY of it back. EVER. That is almost worse than being in debt in the first place. People do a lot of talking about what you are saving for, and what you are doing for your kids. I am basically not doing anything but digging a deeper hole.

My kids are basically shit out of luck. Wow, what a great mom I am.

Everyone says I am doing all that I can and that's enough. But really it's not. I know that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, and all that, but really how much more until I lose my kids? I already can't pay rent, that's why I am still here with Kevin. I can't pay for my car. That will be gone in a few months I am sure. I can't pay my credit card bill...that for sure isn't going to go away or get any better. I don't pay utilities cause Kevin is taking care of that right now too. But as last night proved, we can't keep living like this, or its going to be nothing but fighting and all that crap. Yet what else can I do. I am applying to HUD and may get income based housing. So then based on my income I "should" be able to at least pay rent and utilities. Food stamps hopefully will cover the bulk of my groceries. And then I will just have to try and not have any more hospital, doctor, or any other kind of bill outside of that. That should be impossible. Really what to do? I know keep your head up, something will get better. Hard to do when you are rolling downhill like a snowball headed for hell. Ok, at least I have cute pictures of my baby to keep this from being wrist slitting inducing depressing right?

Title: It's Complicated

I swear the theme of my life has always been it's complicated! And it just keeps getting more and more complicated too! Here I sit getting ready for my new job (yay me) I have worked one week already but that was all orientation type stuff. I am not part of the corporate machine! I work at Wal*Mart! As much as I dreaded working in retail, simply because a background of working 911 for many years does not lend you to thinking about working with people much, I have to say that so far I LOVE IT! Which is wonderful because the things that make me happy are getting fewer and fewer.

My relationship with Kevin is over. I ended it, he hopes to win me back, and maybe sometime in the future that may be possible. God knows everyone is giving me the forgiveness lecture! But I really need to move me and the kids into another place. That is my current complication! I can't seem to find anything available for low income housing. As much as I would love to say I can live without government assistance it just isn't possible. A child support check every two months and no other help from the oldest's father...well that leaves me having to support us completely and I can't say I can do that very well. I guess at some point I will just give up my car. That will completely ruin my credit, no wait that is already ruined. And then I will be trying to figure out what to do for transportation. Oh and I still haven't found anywhere to live yet. Just the other day I found out that Kevin isn't going to stay here much longer, meaning the apartment we are living in together,nso that means either I pull the money tree out of the recesses of my nether regions or I start selling myself for rent money. Hmm, Money tree sounds much more promising. So basically I can't afford regular rent. I can't find income based housing, and I need to figure it all out in oh a month?!?

I hate that it all seems like whining lately but I never wanted to be single again. I never wanted to be in a place where I couldn't afford to support my kids. I feel like a total drain on my friends and family. But I look at my kids and no matter how annoying they are (and believe me they rival the best!) I love them more than my own life. I will do anything it takes to make sure that I have them with me and provide everything they need. (Notice need, not want!) So, in short, life sucks and I really wish wishes worked. Since they don't, I am praying God provides. (Since obviously I can only do so much!)