Glory Hallelujah I have been delivered!

Since my relocation to Texas (again) I have been

delivered from so much pain and anguish I can only say Praise God Almighty. Jesus saves in so many ways I am awe of his awesome power! I was still in a terrible place though I have re-devoted my life to my Lord and Father. I was trying to do under my own power what is in HIS power to do. Today I received a message loud and clear. It was to listen to the whisper of his Word and not try and adapt it to your situation. I have a great job at Wal-Mart my friends. I truly have GREAT days at work. My only concern has been child care. I have given it over to the Lord and struggled daily with who will watch my youngest and God has been trying to answer me but I kept pushing the answer away. He told me to quit. My friends I was sure he meant for me to quit my job! I was scared and unsure and not an obedient daughter as I should be. I prayed with all my might.

I asked for prayer. I searched and made calls and struggled mightily against the problem. Then, today I opened my mind to the answer. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I signed onto the website I had joined to try and find a sitter in the area and heard very faintly, take him to them. So I searched for sitters outside of my small radius I searched before. Many calls made, many voice mails left. I was sure it was just going to be like it had been for weeks now. Then there was an answer.

And I FELT God move for me! Not only did the lady on the other end answer her phone, say yes to everything and was willing to take him today, but she was also willing to work with me on the expense of her watching him!! Praise Jesus!!

Getting to the sitter was one trial after another. I couldn't get Barrett to cooperate. I struggled to get him dressed, get changes of clothes for him, get his hair done, get out the door only to realize 2 things left behind. Finally get him down to the car to find the car seat in the neighbors vehicle still. I am struggling MIGHTILY on my own. Stressed out and worn out before even beginning! I realize as I am ready to leave finally that Xander doesn't have a key to the apartment. Run and get it, give it to a neighbor, call the school to let him know while driving towards Lake Jackson. Then it hits me. I have NO MONEY.

No credit card. No Lone Star Card. No Drivers license. All of these things sit on the counter of my bathroom!!

I had to stop and get something to feed Bear on the way, even though we are running late because I fed him, but did not feed myself and I had to eat and therefore he had to eat. I had JUST enough money in change and pocket lint to get us taken care of on the road. (I remembered to say a prayer of thanks to my Lord Jesus Christ for that.) Then by some miracle (Truly) we made it to the sitters. She was WONDERFUL! I was

only 7 minutes late for work AND Bear settled in so quickly that he ignored me saying goodbye to him and refused my kiss. Only to catch me with my hand on the door as I was leaving demanding "give kiss momma MY kiss momma!"

I arrived at work with a smile on my face. It made my night to get a sweet kiss from my sweet boy and though I was worried about about being late, No one cared I was 7 minutes late. I did not need to worry about money or food either. I was blessed today with a full meal provided by Wal-Mart for us meeting Sales Goals for the quarter! Drink, Food, The whole deal. . God moves so swiftly to take care of us we rarely even notice Him doing it and we really need to recognize it more.

Then I went to pick up my little boy. He was crashed on the sitter's couch. Looking like and angel. My sitter gives me a card and a sheet from a coloring book that he colored. The card is the orange paper pictures next to the text here. It almost made me cry!

I am SO BLESSED!!! God you are Awesome! I know I talk a lot when I should be listening but THANK YOU for having more faith in me than I have in you at times. I know even when I take the wrong road and am drowning in despair You are there. Holding me. Waiting for me to let you take care ofeverything! I can't express how truly blessed I am. Praise my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

Today is my birthday...so I'll post some pics....

I am getting old. I am starting to see it in my pictures of myself...but I think I look better for it. So Na na na na na boo boo~

I am hopelessly country. I love my boys being country too!(And I find my Boyfriend Hopelessly Sexy!)

As a Kid Water is just plain fun, whether it's in a Tub or a Pool!

Heck a Tub makes a GREAT Pool!!

I have raised a couple of CRAZY kids...mostly to be just like me...

No matter how much fun you are having, a leg lock around the neck ALWAYS looks questionable in pictures!

Naps are good, Shared naps are even better!

Waking up in the morning and having both kids pile into bed with you is still adorable, no matter how old they are, or you are...well for now...

Church functions are fun, especially if you could keep the 2 year old on the neck of the 12 year old for the duration... unfortunately not reality.

I am always in awe of the sunsets and sky here in Texas. God has blessed me in every way possible here!

Keeping Positive and Moving Forward

It has come to my attention that i spend a large bulk of my time blogging about all that goes wrong. So I have decided as of today I will try and do a positive thing every week. Ok yeah I want to put more pics on my blog and I miss having such cleverly twisted tales as I had back when I had a bit of free time to do the whole blogging thing, and also you never know when i will be without internet next. So here I go!!

Today we found out Xander will be able to go to the 8th Grade! Yay!!

Today I got to spend quality time with my boys and do something away from the house without sacrificing getting work done. (Ok so we bought a snack at the bar next to the laundromat but it still counts...they had fun!)

This week I have had the pleasure of enduring the long distance run that is potty training all initiated by my little Bear. I could fill this post with all sorts of complaints about the time I have spent in the bathroom (hours) and the tediousness of constant switching from toilet to potty chair. I could tell you several "vignette" type stories about how amazingly controlled my little new to the potty boy had done with peeing in 3 different places with the same bladder full of pee. I could regale you with stories of control of bowel movements that would astound doctors who study these sorts of things (seriously this kid makes poo in both toilets with one movement...it's crazy...several times...at the same "sitting") But you don't want to read about my potty adventures. (And in case you do there will probably be a blog up coming since it IS such an adventure!!)

The last thing I am thankful for comes with a photo that could be considered questionable...but I felt compelled to record it photographically as the chances of it continuing is very slight. I am at that stage with both my kids that being "loved on" is not really a common thing. Mr 2yr old is too busy doing his thing, aka throwing fits or playing alone.

Mr. Almost-13yr old is just well, a teenager and doesn't have a lot of "love" for his momma in the ways of PDAs....so lately both boys have been kissing me randomly. Bear is sneaky enough that I can't catch it on camera...Xander I can convince to re-do the love for a snap shot. So I present my totally inappropriate picture of the day. Me being kissed on the lips by my teenager. I have to say I can't believe he still HUGS me!!

Jumping to conclusions and other acrobatic skills I have...

So I had a bad night, didn't know what was going on, and as I am prone to do I jumped to conclusions. I guess I am really used to things just going down hill fast and it being the "end" to

all things.

I have been lectured on having more faith in things and stop being so negative.

Well, I can see that I need to but it is hard to do. So. I am still in a relationship.

We are just fine, I just had a

major breakdown and he just doesn't answer his phone much when he's hanging with friends and acknowledged that he wasn't in a place to discuss anything. *glug glug* tee hee! Anyway, I have decided to stop worrying over every little thing and to just bask in the glow of being happy in times we are together and live life as positively as possible.

I am starting to realize I am not a house keeper, I hate laundry when it is mine, and I just don't have enough time in the day to be lazy AND accomplish things that need to be done. And I only work Part Time! Yikes!

So to perk up this update/blog I have placed some cute pics of me and my kids...Ok of my kids.

I've been duped yet again...surprised?

How am I really going to ever trust my heart. I should know better. Over and over again I trust, put myself out there and over and over again the crushing pain comes on. I just need to stop. Seriously people I do not have a REAL LIFE best friend. I do not have anyone who really wants the job. No biggie if that is all, but I can't keep a real relationship alive with ANYONE! Whats wrong right now? Well, I don't know because my boyfriend stopped talking to me. Again. I don't play games. So what do I do? I guess I just give up. I'm not looking for anything and bam I meet him. It seems so wonderful and perfect and then boom. don't know if it's because I'm not a beck and call girl. I don't know if it is because I have two demanding kids. I don't know if it is just because I suck in bed and am just deluded into thinking I am awesome in that capacity. I suck. I shouldn't be in relationships with anyone. My son pointed out to me tonight that grandma can't do everything for us. So apparently he noticed I haven't done anything for us since my last horrid relationship ended back last year around a month from now....last year...bad year. I thought this one was going so much better. I was wrong. I seem to be wrong a lot. I really am trying to not be negative. Maybe it's just not genetically possible for me to be in a relationship, friendship or otherwise. So kudos life, you got me again. Some day I will not have anymore tears to cry.

Plague, Pestilence, and Propane

So we begin our story...uh tale...complaint?!? Well it began the Thursday before Christmas. I was lucky enough to have Bear in early nap mode and comfortably snuggled in the bed together when the bedroom door opens. Now this is a bit of a shock since I don't have anyone at home with me except my current snoozing companion. Surprise it's my mom! She was called to come pick up Simon from school since they were unable to contact me...(No missed calls on my cell BTW but whatever) Mom announces my eldest has contracted and shows major visible signs of the chicken pox! (Plague for those into the title) I wonder aloud how is this possible since he was vaccinated, and authoritive as ever my mom replies with the school nurses answer...he's only had one shot so he is susceptible but it should be a much milder case since he WAS vaccinated. Being the super responsible mom I am, or maybe because I'm freaking out that chicken pox is not only infesting my house, but what about little Mr. Bear? Will both my kids be miserable and covered in spots for weeks?!? Of course my luck holds out as usual and the Dr's office closes early on Thursday. Being panicked and not quite awake I call the on call Dr. Who basically says nothing they can do but run their course and perhaps the youngest might get them too but not to worry as the vaccine will make it a much more mild case and also this will give them a much better immunity than the shot. Well great! Well it didn't kill us but dang it was fun having sick boys. I still don't know if the very few spots on Bear counted but he most definitely was not himself for a few days. Xander's took about a week to begin really clearing up but we survived and were then full on into Christmas season! I was taking a bath with Bear when I discovered he had lice!(Pestilence) So, off to grandmas we go to launder everything we own, figure out how to treat the dry clean only bed spread from my room and get that lovely shampoo etc for treatment...only to find on my way that I have $0 in my account! Yay for part time job for the single mom of two so fabulously dealing with life! So grandma comes to the rescue. We check heads (and shave down Xander's) and discover Bear and Xander are the only infecteds. I still treated my head! The next couple of days I pick Bear's head like a banjo as often as he will let me near. Xander was less cooperative, and thus resurgence after I had it beat on my youngest! But that's the cart before the horse! So,I was way behind on everything and had to call in reinforcements to assist in completing gift wrapping Christmas Eve. We got everything ready and Bear had his worst night sleep in I don't know how long...but after sleeping till 10am we were up opening presents! All seemed well in hand...Mom and my sister put in money together to pay a bill for me for Christmas and the Monday after my mom takes that money to my propane company. No, they don't come deliver propane they call me mid-afternoon on their day of delivery (the ONLY day they deliver to my area) and leave a voice mail as I am not near my phone/probably sleeping. My phone does not notify me and when I call the next day they are closed when I do call. So we are sitting around New Years Eve day when we run out of propane. They inform me they can't deliver till Monday at the earliest and there would be an out of service area fee in addition to a pressure test fee...oh and the $200 didn't cover a minimum delivery. None of this was mentioned to mom (that they had to call me before delivery, the minimum not met etc) because the gal only heard her say it was a gift NOT that we desperately needed propane. So now again I'm a bad mother and its my fault I'm poor and didn't have the money to fill the tank. Lovely! So, we have the coldest temps we have seen in our part of Arkansas in many years and they are SUPER busy and my mom finally ends up talking to the manager and finally making it clear it had been nearly a week without heat, hot water, or cooking and we are heating with space heaters and all that and she gets them to show up Monday. This of course begins the pilot light on the hot water heater not staying lit, near freezing of pipes 3 times AND the bathroom not having cold water till miraculously on The Coldest Night when it starts running again. So I gather my faith closely to me and imagine there will always be more near catastrophes but we shall survive!

i have been blessed

I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful things anyone could ask for! I may not have money, or a long term partner/relationship but it has become very clear I am more than lucky with all I do have. I am truly blessed!

I am blessed to have two beautiful, wonderful, unique, loving, and understanding boys. They are awesome! Today my oldest asked me if I was happy that he and Barrett gave me a reason to keep going. I stopped and said really for a while they were the only reason I could keep going. I really hope they always realize how important they are to me, my life, and where I want to be!

I have amazing friends! I have been in a state of need for a while, was probably never going to even consider anything for Christmas other than just setting up the tree and a photo album of us as a family making it here. Now I find I have Angels coming out of the woodwork! Every single one of those women are friends who I met on a message board, and yet are so completely a part of my life I wish I lived near each and every one of them! I am surrounded by beautiful generous women who are such a blessing! Thank You doesn't cover enough in these situations!

Also I have a friend from back in good ole ND who sent me a kings ransom, which they believed to be just a small thing, to help me get by this tough time. God is watching over my family with some very special Angels indeed!

Last but certainly not least, Rachel P. Not only did she send something much needed at a time I couldn't afford diapers/laundry/milk...but also proving to me that if ever I have the chance and the funds diapers.com is the way to shop! I never even knew Luvs came in 180 count box!!! That is freaking awesome! Thank You!

So many blessings! So many touching not just our lives but our very souls! I cannot express what it really means to find out who your friends are!

I truly am so blessed!

Just as Rome fell, so shall they...

Long time no post. What could be the occasion? I just realized how vain I am, and had my sense of attractiveness completely crushed. I think I have always taken pride in my breasts. Proud they fed my children. Proud they look great in a tight shirt. Proud that they were quite large and well beautiful. I was in a MAJOR state of denial about the girls of late. They no longer are full, beautiful, attractive "fun bags" of last year. They aren't even as nice as they were before my second pregnancy. They look like a 50 year old womans boobs! Flat sad pancakes of flesh lacking even the tennis ball lump of a tennis ball in a sock! To take a halfway decent picture of them (yup I had to check them out via pictures to see if the mirror MAY have lied to me) I had to float them in water (vis the tub) AND take a picture from above, not at a normal angle. Did I mention the sagging skin wrinckles up? Yeah HOT! Maybe this is what happens to breasts after 35. Maybe its because they were so full of so much milk for so long. I find myself back to the thought that I may never want a man to see my body again. That is how important my boobs looking good means to me! Those of you 35+ gals with still great looking racks I can only say fuck you. That is so completely NOT fair! How will I ever get by without my wonderous rack?!? Will I now have to depend on my dazzling personality?!? (Oh how I wish it wasn't so "you either like it or don't") Will I have to depend now on my rock star good looks?!? (Oh wait, that's my fantasy face, not the real one in the mirror!) Maybe I will just go to bed and dream back my old boobs. I miss them so!

More Poor Me Crap...Reality Bites and my Fantasy keeps poofing!

So I sit here in front of a computer wanting to say so many things and yet not sure who to say them to. So I type them in here. My life is not what one would call the happiest and I know I am an active contributor to that, but I also know that I can't seem to control the downward spiral that has been the past few months. Brakes don't work when you fall I guess. I have YET to hit rock bottom even if I was sure I already had. In all honesty I have seriously thought everyone would be better off without me around. No I don't want to kill myself. I have always had an odd idea about death anyway, I mean it is like the last great adventure...before you move on to what is afterlife. I find myself wishing I had more hope in the here and now than I have for the afterlife. I know I can't go anywhere...what would happen to poor Bear?!? Xander would definitely have some MAJOR changes since he would probably end up with his father...uh that would be harsh. Yeah, so not looking at "death" as an option, but I do find myself pondering the "after now" of death. Maybe it is because I can't really do anything to change what is going on in my life. I can't control that Bear is an absolute grump when he wakes up from a nap I have to fight him to take, leaving me exhausted beyond my norm...and then I have to try and stay calm and normal even though I don't have a nerve in my body that isn't on edge and singed from the last few months events. I can't change the fact that my credit is absolute crap and keeping me from renting anything in this town. I look back and know there was no way i could have paid the house payment on the house in SD and have been able to provide for Xander as I did back then. It was on Don to take care of that. Of course he failed, I don't know why I would have expected anything other than that. I mean effort put forth on such things is never what I would expect from a responsible parent, but then things changed so much after we separated...no wait it didn't change, I just saw the truth. The truth. Something I value beyond anything else. The ender of so many of my relationships. The thing I have to hold onto really, that I can still be honest. I honestly just don't know what I can do to change where I am right now. I literally just recently "woke up" from my major depression following the "events" of this summer. Just when I think I have gotten around it, I am up and upbeat, depression come roaring back on scene. It really sucks badly. I don't WANT to be depressed. I don't WANT to feel trapped. I don't WANT to have the crappiest credit in the history of single mom's and not be able to get a decent apartment for me and my kids. I truly feel as though I am failing my kids in SO many ways. Bear doesn't talk. I was excited to hear he called my mom Grandma this morning, only so she would take him out of the Pack-n-Play but I swear I have heard him say it but can't get him to. Just like any other words. He just doesn't freaking TALK. He will babble all freaking day long. Scream bloody murder for whatever it is he thinks he MUST have, but he WILL NOT VERBALIZE! Probably all due to the fact that being such a crap-tastic mom, I have not read to him enough, or talk to him enough, or give him enough interaction with other children and all that wonderful mommy stuff that I suck at. Xander is having all sorts of issues with school work and honesty and all that fun stuff. He got a lecture from his dad on the phone this weekend. Yeah that's gonna do the trick I am sure! *drips sarcasm* I am just not in control of anything right now. NOTHING. I spent a long time yesterday before work crying uncontrollably. HOW did I get my life to this point? WHY is my life here? WHAT did I do that made such BAD karma that this is my results? I really just want to run away...that invitation to go to Springfield for the weekend and pretend I have no responsibilities is SOOOO tempting. And yet the one who made the offer probably has forgotten it already and is sick of me anyway. Just like all the people I think are friends who just disappear. I'm lucky like that. Boo hoo, poor me...I know...I was sooooooo up yesterday, then crash. My kids deserve so much better. It is really sad.

Can I Change the Title to BITCH instead of BLOG?

So I know all I ever do is bring you down lately. I am just so down I can't seem to come up for air anymore. I would like to say things are looking up but whenever I think that, fate takes the wheel and down I go again. So...searching for some good news here. I have some GREAT online friends who I wish lived A LOT closer to me so I could talk to them in person. I wish I had more people like that here. On Friday I got a letter in the mail telling me that my application for food stamps was denied cause I make too much money...funny I thought a part time job and every other month child support checks didn't really push me over the limit...and then Tuesday Night I get a letter in the mail saying I was approved for food stamps and will have to report any change of income over $1,900...OK that's a lot different than my first letter...hmmmm. So today I checked the balance on my handy dandy EBT card and dog-gone-it if I don't have money for food on there! Yay! So today me and Mr. Bear went to good ole Walmart and picked up a bunch of food. I even cooked supper! Go me! In doing so I noticed EVERYTHING is jacked up in the kitchen cupboards. That is when it hits me, I have been so "in my own world" for the last couple months, and not taking care of anything really well, that I have not noticed that NO ONE in this apartment knows where shit goes and just places it willy-nilly wherever they think it can fit. So, i didn't get the dishes washed, but the cupboards are back in order. Now if only I could find a place to move into that I could possibly afford then I could KEEP them the way I want them. I guess right now I am waiting on HUD but I guess tomorrow I should start making some calls again to see if any of the Low Income Based housing places have had any openings come up. Ummm...other than that I have just stuff to bitch about...

So, I was mildly irritated to wake up this morning as I did not get as much sleep as one would guess I would on my night off. Bear woke up a lot, I stayed up late chatting, and the stupid cat wouldn't stay the hell off of me. I couldn't close the bedroom door cause it was like a freaking OVEN in there when I took Bear in to lay down thus the continued wake ups from the pussy. Then I get up and make me and Bear pancakes...we had barely enough mix to make one pancake, so I pulled out the biscuit mix and added it in with the mixins needed to make pancakes with it....then i added too much milk apparently. So then i mixed in some homemade batter to beef it up a bit...and then I tasted the first pancake. One of the mixes had gotten a very nasty stale taste to it, making my yummy I was craving so much pancakes taste just this side of assy. So, I added in some raspberries. To the batter and on top

while eating them. Now they were good, but not as good as they could be because of the hint of stale mix in there. Next time they will rock however I am sure! Then I had to get me and Bear around to do the aforementioned grocery shopping. That we accomplished rather well for the store packed with old people who only walk at a snails pace and have to stop in every single eisle and get in my way. Bear of course did NOT want to be in the cart and I kept him as happy as I could. Needless to say we made A LOT of noise. Mommy wanted to SCREAM too!! We made it home and Bear was out like a light. I wanted to be too, but it was almost 1pm by then...holy crap about 2 hours in the store?!? Yeah those people WERE walking SLOW! I had to put away all the groceries and get the soup i was making into the slow cooker so it would be ready by 5pm. I got all that done and my body said, Girl you need to eat something.

So I heated up some dip and pulled out some tortilla chips and started to eat. Now when I got home I toyed with the idea of waking Kevin up but he normally gets up around 1pm anyway, so I figured he would be up soon. So around 2:30 I finished all my crap and was eating my chips when he finally gets up. And then he can't figure out why I am irritable. Do I need to explain this to anyone else?!? Now I know he is under no obligation to help me or the kids. We are just living together right now...but OMG I am PISSED. Mostly because I know tomorrow I am going to get JACK ALL for sleep cause he is going out with friends tonight which means he ain't getting up no earlier tomorrow. UGH. So then I go lay down around 3pm. Can't sleep cause i am irritated but eventually drift off to dream land. Only to be awakened by voices outside my window.

I figure they will go away soon, no one really hangs out outside the apartment talking that long right?!? WRONG! It was Kevin and his friends. Why would I imagine that he would say, oh Karla is sleeping maybe we could go into the living room since the open window is right here? Why would I even expect that he would do more than say "Sorry we were trying to be quiet" when he was obviously practically running out the door to leave once I woke up. No need to offer to keep it down so I could get more sleep. No, really I don't need it. Seriously get me off this roller coaster ride before I stab someone in the EYE! It goes back and forth between let me help you, to why are you so crabby. No i don't have any fucking reason to be bitchy recently. And he thinks everything is getting better and we will be all hunkie dorie very soon. Yup, this did not help, and we weren't that close to begin with. Give an inch they take a fucking mile for granted. I give up. Seriously.

Cranky Baby, just plain cranky...

So I know all my drama and emotional stuff is bound to rub off on my little Bear, but today has been just CRAZY! He is just whining and crying about everything. From eating, to taking a nap, to his brother going into the bathroom and shutting the door. Top that off with the fact I am suddenly EVIL in his eyes and he pulls away from me, and throws himself around violently in my arms, with such disdain HE MUST blame me for the balance being upset. Either that or this mystery rash he has combined with the heat in our apartment (we shut down the A/C a few weeks ago) and those two last incisors coming in to make my life of turmoil even more tumultuous. Quite

possibly he is also over tired. So, about the rash...it's strange, very "bumpy" kind of like acne, but hard points I guess. We unfortunately have not heard back about ARKids so I don't have insurance for the doctor and no money so...we hope to hear back on Tuesday about that so I can take him in and get it checked out if it is still there.

Also need to get him his 18 month appointment/checkup. All of this adds into my "just wanna puke" jet setting (in a jet crashing in a fiery ball) life today. Another thing that is occupying my thoughts...I want to be closer to my close friends. The ones who ROCK my world daily with support, phone calls, Facebook status comments and personal emails! They live so far away. Many in different places all over the US. But there is that one special state. The one that has been calling my name. North Dakota. I thought I had moved away and was free. I am not. Why? Because of all the AWESOME

people who live there! Their love, kindness, and just flat out stick-to-it-ness in friendship, amazes me! I can't express how much they all mean to me! So, thanks to them I am thinking that I may have to take my dear sweet friend Heather's offer to help me and the kids relocate up there yet again.This is spurred on by my total lack of friends of the same caliber here. Negative side, leaving mom and the two people who

really do care. Well, what is best is best right? So, do I do it? Jump? Run? Is it good for me and the boys? I can't tell you. I just know that today, right now,

I want to.

Editing old posts....

So since I have been so horribly depressing lately I was spurred to go back and edit old posts I had not published. February 20th back in the "archives" I guess, is a new post from back then that was never published because for some reason I couldn't get the video to work, I got it today, and published it...not sure if there will be more, but I will add them on here, if anyone wants to go back and look at them. (Really you don't have to waste your time, especially if you wasted it already reading my poor me depressing posts.)

The Most Depressing Blog in the ENTIRE World!!!

So I think I have come to the realization that nothing is ever going to get any better. My life is never going to be "in the black" at any point. I will always owe more than I can pay on every single bill I have. There is no way I will ever own a home. There is no way I will ever pay off my car. There is no

way I will ever have any of the things that my family deserves or even needs. I have tried to look at the positive things in my life.

I have two wonderful kids. I almost killed the oldest one today because I was having yet another mental breakdown (they are at almost regular intervals lately) and asked him to take his brother outside. When I went out to check on them they were gone. I mean I couldn't find them ANYWHERE. Silly me, I expected things to be like they were supposed to be. Rules for going out with Bear much less on his own include NOT GOING INTO ANYONE ELSE'S HOME WITHOUT MOM KNOWING WHERE YOU ARE. Why would Xander NOT follow this rule. Especially since he has been in constant trouble for the last two weeks?!? OH that's right because NOTHING in my life is going to go right!! I panicked. OF COURSE. I convinced myself that I could find them walking crazily around and around the complex. Once I was REALLY freaked out I figured I would go knock on Xander's friends door and ask if they had seen them. OF COURSE he was there, INSIDE, with his brother. I can't even express how pissed I am. I have gone over and over with him how this works. I have grounded, I have limited his life to the point he can't do anything without me instigating it, and STILL he doesn't get this. Without doing REAL violence I have no idea how to get through his thick skull how this is not something to take lightly.

And this is my SMALL problem. When everything is going wrong, these small things smash you like a ton of brick swung willy nilly by the invisible giant of doom. And all anyone wants to do is point out where things can be fixed and how to look up and be positive and thankful. I am not really trying to not be thankful. I am really not trying to control everything. After losing my job, and then my relationship falling apart, I feel like everything in my life is being methodically RIPPED out of my hands and in the span of 3 months what was something I had a very long dark tunnel to go through but would be able to overcome, has now presented itself in it's true form. An insurmountable mountain. What do you do when you KNOW there is nothing you can do? I am praying. I am hoping that at some point the bottom will stop dropping out. I am trying to not look around at everyone else, and seeing that even though they are in a tough place, that mine is even worse and getting worse by the second.

I am trying to NOT tell other people how bad it is, because then they want to help, but really there isn't anything they can do. I don't want other people to take care of my bills. I don't want to ask anyone for money to help until I can get back on my feet. I HAVE to accept what I have so far. I will never be able to pay ANY of it back. EVER. That is almost worse than being in debt in the first place. People do a lot of talking about what you are saving for, and what you are doing for your kids. I am basically not doing anything but digging a deeper hole.

My kids are basically shit out of luck. Wow, what a great mom I am.

Everyone says I am doing all that I can and that's enough. But really it's not. I know that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, and all that, but really how much more until I lose my kids? I already can't pay rent, that's why I am still here with Kevin. I can't pay for my car. That will be gone in a few months I am sure. I can't pay my credit card bill...that for sure isn't going to go away or get any better. I don't pay utilities cause Kevin is taking care of that right now too. But as last night proved, we can't keep living like this, or its going to be nothing but fighting and all that crap. Yet what else can I do. I am applying to HUD and may get income based housing. So then based on my income I "should" be able to at least pay rent and utilities. Food stamps hopefully will cover the bulk of my groceries. And then I will just have to try and not have any more hospital, doctor, or any other kind of bill outside of that. That should be impossible. Really what to do? I know keep your head up, something will get better. Hard to do when you are rolling downhill like a snowball headed for hell. Ok, at least I have cute pictures of my baby to keep this from being wrist slitting inducing depressing right?

Title: It's Complicated

I swear the theme of my life has always been it's complicated! And it just keeps getting more and more complicated too! Here I sit getting ready for my new job (yay me) I have worked one week already but that was all orientation type stuff. I am not part of the corporate machine! I work at Wal*Mart! As much as I dreaded working in retail, simply because a background of working 911 for many years does not lend you to thinking about working with people much, I have to say that so far I LOVE IT! Which is wonderful because the things that make me happy are getting fewer and fewer.

My relationship with Kevin is over. I ended it, he hopes to win me back, and maybe sometime in the future that may be possible. God knows everyone is giving me the forgiveness lecture! But I really need to move me and the kids into another place. That is my current complication! I can't seem to find anything available for low income housing. As much as I would love to say I can live without government assistance it just isn't possible. A child support check every two months and no other help from the oldest's father...well that leaves me having to support us completely and I can't say I can do that very well. I guess at some point I will just give up my car. That will completely ruin my credit, no wait that is already ruined. And then I will be trying to figure out what to do for transportation. Oh and I still haven't found anywhere to live yet. Just the other day I found out that Kevin isn't going to stay here much longer, meaning the apartment we are living in together,nso that means either I pull the money tree out of the recesses of my nether regions or I start selling myself for rent money. Hmm, Money tree sounds much more promising. So basically I can't afford regular rent. I can't find income based housing, and I need to figure it all out in oh a month?!?

I hate that it all seems like whining lately but I never wanted to be single again. I never wanted to be in a place where I couldn't afford to support my kids. I feel like a total drain on my friends and family. But I look at my kids and no matter how annoying they are (and believe me they rival the best!) I love them more than my own life. I will do anything it takes to make sure that I have them with me and provide everything they need. (Notice need, not want!) So, in short, life sucks and I really wish wishes worked. Since they don't, I am praying God provides. (Since obviously I can only do so much!)

Park Pride, Mountain Home, Arkansas

We went to Park Pride, as a family, to try some normal with all the upheaval, still not certain what is going to happen in our personal lives, but we are going to try and keep it from affecting the kids! So, there was a Fire Truck (Pictures to follow) and a petting zoo type thing. Check out our pics!