Keeping Positive and Moving Forward

It has come to my attention that i spend a large bulk of my time blogging about all that goes wrong. So I have decided as of today I will try and do a positive thing every week. Ok yeah I want to put more pics on my blog and I miss having such cleverly twisted tales as I had back when I had a bit of free time to do the whole blogging thing, and also you never know when i will be without internet next. So here I go!!

Today we found out Xander will be able to go to the 8th Grade! Yay!!

Today I got to spend quality time with my boys and do something away from the house without sacrificing getting work done. (Ok so we bought a snack at the bar next to the laundromat but it still counts...they had fun!)

This week I have had the pleasure of enduring the long distance run that is potty training all initiated by my little Bear. I could fill this post with all sorts of complaints about the time I have spent in the bathroom (hours) and the tediousness of constant switching from toilet to potty chair. I could tell you several "vignette" type stories about how amazingly controlled my little new to the potty boy had done with peeing in 3 different places with the same bladder full of pee. I could regale you with stories of control of bowel movements that would astound doctors who study these sorts of things (seriously this kid makes poo in both toilets with one movement...it's crazy...several times...at the same "sitting") But you don't want to read about my potty adventures. (And in case you do there will probably be a blog up coming since it IS such an adventure!!)

The last thing I am thankful for comes with a photo that could be considered questionable...but I felt compelled to record it photographically as the chances of it continuing is very slight. I am at that stage with both my kids that being "loved on" is not really a common thing. Mr 2yr old is too busy doing his thing, aka throwing fits or playing alone.

Mr. Almost-13yr old is just well, a teenager and doesn't have a lot of "love" for his momma in the ways of PDAs....so lately both boys have been kissing me randomly. Bear is sneaky enough that I can't catch it on camera...Xander I can convince to re-do the love for a snap shot. So I present my totally inappropriate picture of the day. Me being kissed on the lips by my teenager. I have to say I can't believe he still HUGS me!!

Jumping to conclusions and other acrobatic skills I have...

So I had a bad night, didn't know what was going on, and as I am prone to do I jumped to conclusions. I guess I am really used to things just going down hill fast and it being the "end" to

all things.

I have been lectured on having more faith in things and stop being so negative.

Well, I can see that I need to but it is hard to do. So. I am still in a relationship.

We are just fine, I just had a

major breakdown and he just doesn't answer his phone much when he's hanging with friends and acknowledged that he wasn't in a place to discuss anything. *glug glug* tee hee! Anyway, I have decided to stop worrying over every little thing and to just bask in the glow of being happy in times we are together and live life as positively as possible.

I am starting to realize I am not a house keeper, I hate laundry when it is mine, and I just don't have enough time in the day to be lazy AND accomplish things that need to be done. And I only work Part Time! Yikes!

So to perk up this update/blog I have placed some cute pics of me and my kids...Ok of my kids.

I've been duped yet again...surprised?

How am I really going to ever trust my heart. I should know better. Over and over again I trust, put myself out there and over and over again the crushing pain comes on. I just need to stop. Seriously people I do not have a REAL LIFE best friend. I do not have anyone who really wants the job. No biggie if that is all, but I can't keep a real relationship alive with ANYONE! Whats wrong right now? Well, I don't know because my boyfriend stopped talking to me. Again. I don't play games. So what do I do? I guess I just give up. I'm not looking for anything and bam I meet him. It seems so wonderful and perfect and then boom. don't know if it's because I'm not a beck and call girl. I don't know if it is because I have two demanding kids. I don't know if it is just because I suck in bed and am just deluded into thinking I am awesome in that capacity. I suck. I shouldn't be in relationships with anyone. My son pointed out to me tonight that grandma can't do everything for us. So apparently he noticed I haven't done anything for us since my last horrid relationship ended back last year around a month from now....last year...bad year. I thought this one was going so much better. I was wrong. I seem to be wrong a lot. I really am trying to not be negative. Maybe it's just not genetically possible for me to be in a relationship, friendship or otherwise. So kudos life, you got me again. Some day I will not have anymore tears to cry.

Plague, Pestilence, and Propane

So we begin our story...uh tale...complaint?!? Well it began the Thursday before Christmas. I was lucky enough to have Bear in early nap mode and comfortably snuggled in the bed together when the bedroom door opens. Now this is a bit of a shock since I don't have anyone at home with me except my current snoozing companion. Surprise it's my mom! She was called to come pick up Simon from school since they were unable to contact me...(No missed calls on my cell BTW but whatever) Mom announces my eldest has contracted and shows major visible signs of the chicken pox! (Plague for those into the title) I wonder aloud how is this possible since he was vaccinated, and authoritive as ever my mom replies with the school nurses answer...he's only had one shot so he is susceptible but it should be a much milder case since he WAS vaccinated. Being the super responsible mom I am, or maybe because I'm freaking out that chicken pox is not only infesting my house, but what about little Mr. Bear? Will both my kids be miserable and covered in spots for weeks?!? Of course my luck holds out as usual and the Dr's office closes early on Thursday. Being panicked and not quite awake I call the on call Dr. Who basically says nothing they can do but run their course and perhaps the youngest might get them too but not to worry as the vaccine will make it a much more mild case and also this will give them a much better immunity than the shot. Well great! Well it didn't kill us but dang it was fun having sick boys. I still don't know if the very few spots on Bear counted but he most definitely was not himself for a few days. Xander's took about a week to begin really clearing up but we survived and were then full on into Christmas season! I was taking a bath with Bear when I discovered he had lice!(Pestilence) So, off to grandmas we go to launder everything we own, figure out how to treat the dry clean only bed spread from my room and get that lovely shampoo etc for treatment...only to find on my way that I have $0 in my account! Yay for part time job for the single mom of two so fabulously dealing with life! So grandma comes to the rescue. We check heads (and shave down Xander's) and discover Bear and Xander are the only infecteds. I still treated my head! The next couple of days I pick Bear's head like a banjo as often as he will let me near. Xander was less cooperative, and thus resurgence after I had it beat on my youngest! But that's the cart before the horse! So,I was way behind on everything and had to call in reinforcements to assist in completing gift wrapping Christmas Eve. We got everything ready and Bear had his worst night sleep in I don't know how long...but after sleeping till 10am we were up opening presents! All seemed well in hand...Mom and my sister put in money together to pay a bill for me for Christmas and the Monday after my mom takes that money to my propane company. No, they don't come deliver propane they call me mid-afternoon on their day of delivery (the ONLY day they deliver to my area) and leave a voice mail as I am not near my phone/probably sleeping. My phone does not notify me and when I call the next day they are closed when I do call. So we are sitting around New Years Eve day when we run out of propane. They inform me they can't deliver till Monday at the earliest and there would be an out of service area fee in addition to a pressure test fee...oh and the $200 didn't cover a minimum delivery. None of this was mentioned to mom (that they had to call me before delivery, the minimum not met etc) because the gal only heard her say it was a gift NOT that we desperately needed propane. So now again I'm a bad mother and its my fault I'm poor and didn't have the money to fill the tank. Lovely! So, we have the coldest temps we have seen in our part of Arkansas in many years and they are SUPER busy and my mom finally ends up talking to the manager and finally making it clear it had been nearly a week without heat, hot water, or cooking and we are heating with space heaters and all that and she gets them to show up Monday. This of course begins the pilot light on the hot water heater not staying lit, near freezing of pipes 3 times AND the bathroom not having cold water till miraculously on The Coldest Night when it starts running again. So I gather my faith closely to me and imagine there will always be more near catastrophes but we shall survive!

i have been blessed

I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful things anyone could ask for! I may not have money, or a long term partner/relationship but it has become very clear I am more than lucky with all I do have. I am truly blessed!

I am blessed to have two beautiful, wonderful, unique, loving, and understanding boys. They are awesome! Today my oldest asked me if I was happy that he and Barrett gave me a reason to keep going. I stopped and said really for a while they were the only reason I could keep going. I really hope they always realize how important they are to me, my life, and where I want to be!

I have amazing friends! I have been in a state of need for a while, was probably never going to even consider anything for Christmas other than just setting up the tree and a photo album of us as a family making it here. Now I find I have Angels coming out of the woodwork! Every single one of those women are friends who I met on a message board, and yet are so completely a part of my life I wish I lived near each and every one of them! I am surrounded by beautiful generous women who are such a blessing! Thank You doesn't cover enough in these situations!

Also I have a friend from back in good ole ND who sent me a kings ransom, which they believed to be just a small thing, to help me get by this tough time. God is watching over my family with some very special Angels indeed!

Last but certainly not least, Rachel P. Not only did she send something much needed at a time I couldn't afford diapers/laundry/milk...but also proving to me that if ever I have the chance and the funds diapers.com is the way to shop! I never even knew Luvs came in 180 count box!!! That is freaking awesome! Thank You!

So many blessings! So many touching not just our lives but our very souls! I cannot express what it really means to find out who your friends are!

I truly am so blessed!

Just as Rome fell, so shall they...

Long time no post. What could be the occasion? I just realized how vain I am, and had my sense of attractiveness completely crushed. I think I have always taken pride in my breasts. Proud they fed my children. Proud they look great in a tight shirt. Proud that they were quite large and well beautiful. I was in a MAJOR state of denial about the girls of late. They no longer are full, beautiful, attractive "fun bags" of last year. They aren't even as nice as they were before my second pregnancy. They look like a 50 year old womans boobs! Flat sad pancakes of flesh lacking even the tennis ball lump of a tennis ball in a sock! To take a halfway decent picture of them (yup I had to check them out via pictures to see if the mirror MAY have lied to me) I had to float them in water (vis the tub) AND take a picture from above, not at a normal angle. Did I mention the sagging skin wrinckles up? Yeah HOT! Maybe this is what happens to breasts after 35. Maybe its because they were so full of so much milk for so long. I find myself back to the thought that I may never want a man to see my body again. That is how important my boobs looking good means to me! Those of you 35+ gals with still great looking racks I can only say fuck you. That is so completely NOT fair! How will I ever get by without my wonderous rack?!? Will I now have to depend on my dazzling personality?!? (Oh how I wish it wasn't so "you either like it or don't") Will I have to depend now on my rock star good looks?!? (Oh wait, that's my fantasy face, not the real one in the mirror!) Maybe I will just go to bed and dream back my old boobs. I miss them so!

More Poor Me Crap...Reality Bites and my Fantasy keeps poofing!

So I sit here in front of a computer wanting to say so many things and yet not sure who to say them to. So I type them in here. My life is not what one would call the happiest and I know I am an active contributor to that, but I also know that I can't seem to control the downward spiral that has been the past few months. Brakes don't work when you fall I guess. I have YET to hit rock bottom even if I was sure I already had. In all honesty I have seriously thought everyone would be better off without me around. No I don't want to kill myself. I have always had an odd idea about death anyway, I mean it is like the last great adventure...before you move on to what is afterlife. I find myself wishing I had more hope in the here and now than I have for the afterlife. I know I can't go anywhere...what would happen to poor Bear?!? Xander would definitely have some MAJOR changes since he would probably end up with his father...uh that would be harsh. Yeah, so not looking at "death" as an option, but I do find myself pondering the "after now" of death. Maybe it is because I can't really do anything to change what is going on in my life. I can't control that Bear is an absolute grump when he wakes up from a nap I have to fight him to take, leaving me exhausted beyond my norm...and then I have to try and stay calm and normal even though I don't have a nerve in my body that isn't on edge and singed from the last few months events. I can't change the fact that my credit is absolute crap and keeping me from renting anything in this town. I look back and know there was no way i could have paid the house payment on the house in SD and have been able to provide for Xander as I did back then. It was on Don to take care of that. Of course he failed, I don't know why I would have expected anything other than that. I mean effort put forth on such things is never what I would expect from a responsible parent, but then things changed so much after we separated...no wait it didn't change, I just saw the truth. The truth. Something I value beyond anything else. The ender of so many of my relationships. The thing I have to hold onto really, that I can still be honest. I honestly just don't know what I can do to change where I am right now. I literally just recently "woke up" from my major depression following the "events" of this summer. Just when I think I have gotten around it, I am up and upbeat, depression come roaring back on scene. It really sucks badly. I don't WANT to be depressed. I don't WANT to feel trapped. I don't WANT to have the crappiest credit in the history of single mom's and not be able to get a decent apartment for me and my kids. I truly feel as though I am failing my kids in SO many ways. Bear doesn't talk. I was excited to hear he called my mom Grandma this morning, only so she would take him out of the Pack-n-Play but I swear I have heard him say it but can't get him to. Just like any other words. He just doesn't freaking TALK. He will babble all freaking day long. Scream bloody murder for whatever it is he thinks he MUST have, but he WILL NOT VERBALIZE! Probably all due to the fact that being such a crap-tastic mom, I have not read to him enough, or talk to him enough, or give him enough interaction with other children and all that wonderful mommy stuff that I suck at. Xander is having all sorts of issues with school work and honesty and all that fun stuff. He got a lecture from his dad on the phone this weekend. Yeah that's gonna do the trick I am sure! *drips sarcasm* I am just not in control of anything right now. NOTHING. I spent a long time yesterday before work crying uncontrollably. HOW did I get my life to this point? WHY is my life here? WHAT did I do that made such BAD karma that this is my results? I really just want to run away...that invitation to go to Springfield for the weekend and pretend I have no responsibilities is SOOOO tempting. And yet the one who made the offer probably has forgotten it already and is sick of me anyway. Just like all the people I think are friends who just disappear. I'm lucky like that. Boo hoo, poor me...I know...I was sooooooo up yesterday, then crash. My kids deserve so much better. It is really sad.