Born to be BLUE?!?!

A few weeks ago the most wonderful thing happened to me. I was proposed to! It wasn't the most romantic move in the world. I was lying in bed fighting an on going battle with the worlds longest migraine when Kevin crawled into the bed next to me, I forced my light sensitive eyes open, and whispered as loud as my head would allow me something like:

"What?"

He had just returned from Walmart where he had gone to purchase a bike for Xander's birthday present, with Xander there to pick it out, and Bear in tow just because I was dying from said migraine. He mentions they picked up something for me also. Hands me a box. I open it and discover a ring set. He mentions something about them not being sized yet, and I put the engagement ring on and it fits, though a little loose. I mention the rings he was going by for my size are all too big for me now since I have lost about 30 lbs recently. He then mentions I have not said yes, and I point out I am wearing the ring.

We are happy.

Funny thing about me being happy. I don't know if it is set in stone somewhere on a mythical and yet touches my life and therefor not completely fantasy realm mountain that Karla can NOT be happy. Happiness escapes me. Not immediatly but completely. Missery seems to be a boon companion of mine. How can this be with the wonderful events

I have just described? Well, I don't want to go into details. Simply because I can't seem to get the details out of my mind. Every second of my day is spent trying to aviod thinking about said details. Simply put. I was warned, via dreams and readings in my cards, which I thought was just me letting my past affect the now. I was wrong. It really is a recurring pattern you see. I get to a happy, ready to settle down and give my kids a family and all that happy bull shit, and BOOM!

Happy 35th Birthday Karla. You have a wonderful party in which lots of people come to celebrate with you. You worry before the party starts that maybe you won't get to fully enjoy yourself because maybe your significant other will drink more and cause some sort of something to disrupt the balance. You shrug it off, because he has never done that before why would you even worry about it! Why would that even be a concern. And yet. By the end of the party. By the time we are cleaning up the mess. Irrevocable harm HAS been done. Is it all because of the alcohol? I couldn't say. All I know is that now I have seen a side of the man I love that causes me to see him as a man I cannot love.

He has appologized. Swore it would never happen again. Explained his part in things. Doesn't want to lose me and the kids. I don't know if this makes a difference. I don't know if I can look past what I saw in him.

I spend each day with my heart trying to tear out of my chest. Tears fighting to spill down my cheeks. I have never in my life felt so much anger, mixed with sadness, mixed with pain, mixed with sickness. How did I let myself and my boys get to this place? How did I trust AGAIN to get to this place AGAIN?

Can I get over this?

Still Searching

I am still searching, searching for ideas, searching for inspiration, searching for something to just HIT me. And yes I am trying to figure out what the heck to do with ME. I am in the midst of looking for employment, and it is a dreary world out there and I would like to find something with a little light at

least at the end of the tunnel. I have sent out many applications and resumes into the vast expanse of cyber space, and heard the dull echo of nothingness which has become a regular sound, around the squeals and screeches of my VERY vocal 16 month old. I am beginning to consider some "alternate" ideas but I have to say I am really not a salesperson, though I would give it 100% if I tried, I just can't seem to bring myself to do many of the many "work at home" or such jobs.

I need more training in something, or I need a craft of some kind. I feel like someone with no skills even though I know I possess many, I feel bereft of them at times like these. Also there is a distinct loneliness that comes with being unemployed. Add to that the children and lack of income to pay for a sitter so I can job search and that makes me even less socialized. I am pushing outward though, not drawing inward!

I have gone out to meet the frey, I have gone to visit family, stopped by friends, made a general nuisance of myself and my children. Because staying in this house all day long is not healthy for any of us. Now I must go rescue my starving child from his highchair as he has decided the breakfast I have prepared him does not meet his tiny taste buds specifications, yes it is almost noon and he is just now eating breakfast, he doesn't eat right away when he wakes and refuses to slow down enough til a few hours later, and he is a late sleeper lately.

10am this morning. I should just be happy to get sleep!! Ok, I am off!